Been in a numb mood most of the day. I tried to explain to my therapist what I was feeling and that I wanted to be left alone and she asked what does that mean. I told her I just wanted to deal with things on my own and she didn’t buy it. She wants me to write but I have no interest in writing. I just write these blogs to have something to say and maybe get something going but it hasn’t been working. I have been hoping my blog would open up what is inside of me but for the past few weeks I don’t feel like it has been doing much good. I know that people from around the world have been reading the stuff I wrote about Cauda Equina. Today Germany read my blog. I feel like I am an international writer.
I just feel like crap inside. I can’t really explain it. Today was the memorial service for Sean Collier, the MIT police officer that was shot to death by the bombers last week. There still has been no motive for killing him. I have been choked up with tears. He was so young and I envy him being death. I would gladly take his place if I could to ease the suffering of his family. I have been crying most of the day, and not little sobs. Just big crying for no reason. The news of his memorial service was the beginning and then I just cried. I couldn’t hold it in. Course this was after my therapy appointment. I don’t know why I am crying so much. My therapist says that I have PTSD, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, because of the events of last week. I know I have some symptoms of it but I don’t think it is full blown. I just am scared still. I know the people have been caught but there is no guarantee that there is someone else out there planning to do the same thing, or worse.
In addition to the crying, I also have been numb. I just don’t feel anything. I have been trying to get in touch with my feelings but it is no use. I am out of touch with them. I know I am depressed. I also have been thinking about death again, if anything just as an escape of what I am feeling. I feel numb but it is a hurting kind of numb. It’s hard to explain and I know that doesn’t make sense. How can being numb hurt? I don’t know but I do hurt inside and it is wicked deep. If I stop to think about it I can’t breathe. It’s too overpowering. Like Casey James described in one of his songs, it is like a piece of glass in the heart.
midnightdemons7 
I understand wanting to deal with things yourself… And also the sadness at needless, senseless deaths. I suppose, growing up in the UK, and now living in South Africa, I have gained some numbness at these deaths. I remember getting very cross with an American friend at the time, as the majority of the guns and bombs that the Provisional IRA were using were being financed through Noraid, which in turn raised most of its money in the US. But he couldn’t (or wouldn’t) make the connection. Sometimes people don’t think through the consequences of their actions.
You ARE an international author; I wish I had the time to read more of your posts. You have so much to give, so much understanding. I am about to leave the Lodge for a meeting at (what I have always thought of as a slightly obscene place) Sun City. During the puritanical apartheid regime, gambling and topless bars and the like we’re banned. So the regime got around this by making “independent” homelands (which no one else recognised), close to the major cities, where the white elite could satisfy their urges, while keeping the country clean! Anyway, they want to talk about accessibility…so off I go! It is close to one of the towns where we are building a bus rapid transit system, so it might work.
Totally stuffed physically (& probably mentally if I stopped to think about it). But work stops the thinking.
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