feeling scared still

Watched the baseball game today. It was a good game. Red Sox won 6-1 and swept the Astros. Now they head up to Toronto to face the Blue Jays.

I stayed in most of the day. I didn’t feel like going out. I have been in pain. It is beautiful out and I am hurting. I can’t stand it. But today is Sunday and I can’t really go out unless I have a car. The buses are running but they don’t go to Davis Square. I really wish they would. But I don’t make the rules.

I had bad dreams last night, Well more like weird dreams. I wish I could remember them now but I have forgotten them. I know my psychiatrist was in one of them and I think we were talking about the bombings. As much as I am trying to move on from the bombings, seems everywhere has the Boston Strong logo. Even the MBTA buses.

I still seem to be in a down mood. I just can’t get out of the funk. I wish I could. But it is not easy. I have been in pain the past few days since going to the ball game on Thursday night. What usually is a fun time turn ugly as that night I couldn’t sleep and then had to wake up early the next day to go to my appointments. I have been playing catch up ever since and the pain is winning. I just can’t seem to get it under control. I thought I had it today but then around nine it flared its ugly head and back to sleep I went for a couple of hours. I should have taken a pain pill then, but I forgot to refill my pill box the night before. Right now my foot is cold despite it being under blankets. And my last toe on my left foot is throbbing like a SOB. It feels like I stubbed it but I didn’t so I don’t know where this pain is from. I know it is nerve pain because it is a stabbing, kind of throbbing. I just want to cut my toe off. I took a pain pill so hopefully it will calm down before I make it hurt.

My cousins from Virginia have been calling. I have been meaning to return their calls but I just don’t feel like talking. I just want to be left alone. I am just not in a talking mood. I know I might feel better if I do talk with them but I know I won’t be able to handle it if they start talking about the bombings. I just can’t talk about it without crying my eyes out. Even as I am writing this I am getting anxious just thinking about it.

I just can’t get over this fear that something more is going to happen. I don’t know if this is rational or not. I just want the fear to go away but I guess it is always there. We always know there are bad people out there that want to hurt other people for no reason. You got the mentally ill that think of these plots to kill people with automatic rifles like those used for the school shooting in Newtown. How can you be safe. I can’t stay home all the time. I have to go out some of the time. But it’s hard. It used to be my depression kept me in because I just didn’t feel like going out. Now it is more than that. I hope that with therapy I can get past it but I am not sure. I have not moved to the anger phase of the PTSD yet. I don’t know if I ever will. I am frightened. Sounds of motorcycles are like gunfire to me. I try not to let anyone know that I am scared. I have to appear to be strong. But my mother is noticing a change in me that I have not noticed before. I know part of the reason for my fears is because of my finances and how I am going to get on with just the few bucks I have in my pocket right now. I need to go grocery shopping but I don’t have enough to get all that I need. I can ask my mother for the money I gave her to save for me but then that will be last of my saved money and once it is gone, it is gone. I still have not paid the cable bill. But I think eating is more important. Oh and my doctor wants me to lose weight through all this. Wants me to lose just one pound. I told him I would try. But I have been eating junk food all day. I did good this morning. Had my bowl of cereal but then it all went to crap after I woke up from my nap to watch the game. How am I supposed to lose weight when I am stressed out and all I want to eat is a bag of chips??