Enduring

I can’t sleep. I have so much on my mind. My thoughts are racing and the voices have come out, like they do every night. Having conversations with them have been difficult. I can still block them out but it’s getting harder and harder the more tired I become.

After thinking seriously about things, I have decided that ending my life right now would not be the best thing. I just can’t put my needs and wants ahead of everybody. I can’t be selfish for once in my life. Not that taking your life is selfish. But I always think of others before I put my needs first. It is something that was drilled into me while I was growing up. My father always said that you can’t think of yourself at all. So I started thinking about what other people wanted and never thought of myself. As much as I want to do this I just can’t. My therapist would be devastated as would probably my psychiatrist. I don’t know if I can keep this decision. As right now I am thinking of it only because I am feeling no pain. I have not had pain in three weeks. I have not been horrendous pain. I haven’t even so much as have nerve pain, which is kind of weirding me out. I have not been pain free in over two years.

If things continue to be good, I will let my therapist know at next session. I don’t want to text her as she might not believe me. I don’t even know if I believe myself. I don’t feel let down by this decision. But I still think about suicide even though I might not feel pain. I often wonder what it will be like if I am dead. Those thoughts have been with me since I first thought about killing myself when I was eight years old.

I know I am probably hormonal right now and maybe things have leveled off since I have my menses but I do feel better. Even though right now I feel kind of depressed it is a manageable depression. I am not happy that I am depressed, well maybe a little. It is better than the ups that I have been feeling. Those were scary for me because that was uncharted territory. So my unsuicide has happened. I just hope that when my date rolls around it is just another day and I don’t feel a sense of defeat.