psychosis while reading

Just wrote a few pages for my book. I don’t know if it will ever get finished or published but it is a start. I add to it every now and then. I should edit it a little bit to add more to it but then I might want to scrap the whole thing.

I got to my Starbucks and am having my Kati Kati coffee. It’s so good, I might get another one before I go. But I think one coffee per day is my limit. Otherwise I might have a night like last night where I was up most of the night. But it wasn’t because I was restless, it was because I was in pain. The pain finally settled down around three in the morning. I fell asleep shortly there after.

I started writing about my past in the book. And about my diagnosis of Bipolar II disorder. I am not sure I can explain it as I don’t understand it too well myself. But it is basically episodes of hypomania and severe depression, mostly severe depression as the hypomania come infrequently. I have had this diagnosis since I was sixteen. I thought it was just due to a medication reaction (Prozac made me hyper and crazy) but when it lingered long after the half-life, I knew that I had it. But I still have the psychosis that is inherent in my illness. I have been having voices since I was five years old. It’s hard to explain how the voices evolved. But they are still with me and they are not my voices. I know because usually when I read, there is a man voice that reads with me. When I don’t hear this voice then I know it is my voice reading. I once asked my therapist if she hears a voice while she is reading and she says that she doesn’t. I find that odd. I thought everyone had a voice that changes with the way that the book’s words go. I guess I am truly psychotic.

Last night while I was reading it was difficult because I didn’t hear a voice. I don’t know if it was because I was too tired to read or that I just didn’t want to get into the book. I finally gave up after reading for a half hour. I am tempted not to take my meds to see if the voices to do come back while I read. It does make for interesting reading when the voice changes when there is dialog in the book. Usually I hear a man’s voice narrate as I read. He wasn’t there last night and I found it odd. I tried to imagine voices while I read but it just took more effort to try and pay attention to what I was reading. It was very difficult concentrating.