Today I wanted to clean my car out but it didn’t happen. I instead watched the baseball game and felt so sleepy afterwards. I don’t know why I have been getting these sleepy sessions after I have been up for a few hours. I did not have coffee today. I really need to get my car cleaned out so that I can get some money for it. It is a junk box right now as it hasn’t been running for over a year. It probably will, if you jump start it. I will try and do that tomorrow.
The Sox lost. I am not in a happy mood. I have not really been in a good mood even before they lost. I still have been dealing with the stupid menses today. I can’t believe I am going on week four of this crap. It is so bumming me out. FOUR fricken weeks of this shit. My migraine went away and now I think it is back again. I don’t know why I have a migraine. I haven’t really been out except in my back yard, where I finally had enough with bugs and came back inside. I hope that my blood pressure isn’t back to sky high because I stopped taking my blood pressure pill. I hated taking it. And my blood pressure has been perfect since I am no longer working so thought I would experiment and see if it goes up. I don’t know what it is, I lent my brother in law my blood pressure machine and have not received it back.
I really hope that the migraines are related to the whole menstrual cycle business. I can’t be getting migraines anymore. It will mean having to stay in dark places and stuff. I hate that, not that I like living in the “light” so to speak but protecting your eyes all the time from bright light is a hassle. I would have to wear shades all the time.
I have not showered today and don’t plan to. I do plan on brushing my teeth the next time I go to the bathroom. I at least have to do one of those things, if not both. Sometimes I am too nauseous to brush my teeth so I won’t do it. It’s a struggle.
I have not really done anything today except watch the ballgame. Foot is quiet for the moment. I am sure it will act up soon as I try and go to sleep. I have been so out of it, I haven’t even played my game in a couple days now. There are a couple of new missions and I just want to complete the “old new” missions first but no one is requesting the stuff that I need. It is getting annoying. But I have some new “friends” that play the game and are active so that is good. I’ll probably play later tonight before bed. I usually do.
So far my suicidality is ok. I don’t think I will have a “split” tonight. I have my therapy appointment tomorrow and I hope that my mother’s doctor’s appointment is after 2 pm. I am trying to get my sister’s car but it looks like she is driving her husband’s truck and I hate driving it because I am not used to it. I couldn’t stand driving the older vehicle because it just gave me anxiety. Now that they have a newer vehicle, I don’t want to drive it for fear of crashing it somehow. I am not good with backing it up as my judgment and peripheral vision is impaired at times, and is worse with a big vehicle. I don’t know if I will ever be able to drive an F150 truck like I hope I will but then if I ever do, I hope to have won the lottery!
I really hope that I can resolve some stuff this week with her because I really think that I am heading for a hospitalization. I just can’t deal with shit anymore and if that is the reason why I have been having these “splits”, then maybe going in the hospital is the best course. It dreads me to say that going is a pain in the butt but once I get my meds straightened out on the first day, I think it will be alright. I am willing to go without a phone and laptop for a few days, though I don’t know if I can manage without my phone being at my side. But then I have to worry about my mother and her diabetes spells. I hope that it won’t happen while I am away. I usually don’t call my mother while I am in the hospital. I never do. I don’t know why that is.
midnightdemons7 