self hate

by Midnight Demon, posted in transgender

dec 18, 2012
I don’t think that my life has meaning anymore. I’m just here so other people won’t be sad. I have many issues that cause me to be suicidal. Chief being that I hate myself. I hate my external and internal self. I am the scum of the universe. I am so convinced of that.
I hate myself internally because I am not a male. I hate having ovaries and a uterus, not to mention breasts. I hate myself, actually loathe is more like it because I have breasts. I hate being a woman more than anything.
I hate having a chest and having to wear baggy clothes to hide them. It would kill me if I had to wear a bra. I know it would. No one ever asked me how I feel about myself except for my therapist. She’s trying to get me to talk to TG people but I’m scared. What if they just think I’m crazy? I wish I could slash my wrist severely to end my life or stab my chest so I could cut out the heartache of living with so much pain of not being in the right body. My luck I will just stab a breast and cause minimal damage.
Writing about this makes it seem fake. I really feel like I’m writing about nothing. I know that things will never change, that I’m never going to be a male. I’ll always have the bone structure of a female and that is what is killing me inside. No matter if I change my outward appearance, I still will be classified as a female.
I’ve decided not to shave my facial hair for a while. See if anyone notices or cares. I’m tired of shaving it but sometimes I do like to shave it. I just want to see how long it can get it to grow.

5 thoughts on “self hate”

  1. This is really weird. I also had a lot of gender confusion growing up. I had convinced myself that I was going to grow up to be a man. I didn’t really want to be a man, I just knew I didn’t want to be a woman. Bad things happened to women. Bad things happened to me for being a female. Please look into some Transgendered websites. It might really help you. It helped me immensely.

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  2. You are not alone in your feelings. And you are not crazy.
    I hated myself too…for a very, very long time. I knew I wasn’t female and felt betrayed by my own body. It was a lie. I was a lie.
    I began experiencing Dissociative Identity Disorder at a very young age as a result of being forced to be a girl by a very abusive mother.
    Even after leaving home, the D.I.D. continued….this really made it difficult for me to really explore the transgender issues, so I didn’t really get to beginning testosterone until just about 11 months ago.
    Bottom line is that you can find happiness. Talk with people who may share similar feelings and/or experiences. Don’t be afraid to talk with folks because you think they’ll think you’re crazy. ‘Cos you’re not. What you are feeling is very human, very normal for what’s going on. Reach out!
    You’ll be amazed at just how many others have felt or feel the same things.
    Love you, brother.

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  4. Hey. I think you should contact (or at least read) Peter James Webster’s blog. He was born a woman but is currently becoming a man and he is very open about his experiences and how to go about them. http://peterjameswebster.wordpress.com

    You are meant to overcome these struggles because there are so many other people in the world who have these same struggles with identity and their bodies. Today, we have ways to fight for future generations so that they will not feel trapped… no matter their physical gender.

    Trust your instincts. And hang in there. Keep yourself safe and then start changing your life to how you need it to be. It is possible. Fight for it.

    -PLS

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  5. I’ve had gender issues as well, though wouldn’t consider myself transgender. I hate my breasts as well and use to cut them out of disgust at times. I’ve thought since I hit puberty that as soon as I get some money, I’m getting rid of these things. They’re constantly in the way and seeing as I don’t plan on having children they don’t seem to be a necessity. I have 2 younger sisters who are both quite vain but not as developed as I am… they use to dress me up in 2 pieces and such and live vicariously through me.
    I hope you can find someone to talk to that understands. I kept all issues regarding my sexuality under wraps for so long and though only limited people know now. I feel a little better, I go to an LGBT group called 20 somethings and we do all kinds of different stuff from serious discussion, games, social nights, etc. I know you are somewhat limited by your pain and such but you may be able to find an online discussion board or something.

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any thoughts?