I am in a deep dark spot and thought I would write about it. I am tired of living this way all the time. Every night around this time (between midnight and 2 am) I get what I call the midnight demons. It is the time of night where my thoughts are dark and almost sinister. All I think about is death and suicide. I don’t feel joy, even if I had a “good” day. I don’t feel much of anything except extreme sadness. People think that this is depression but it is much more than that. I know one day I will die by my own hand. I want it to be now. I have voices that watch me every second of my waking hours. I started to have chest spasms and when I told the voices, they said I could be having a heart attack. I told them I wouldn’t be so lucky. I often hope that I have appendicitis. I won’t get the operation because I want it to kill me. I can go naturally. I know it will be a painful death. No one survives an appendix rupture. I will refuse all treatment.
I wrote earlier today that I felt blank. I still do. I just have thoughts of death because I don’t feel anything. Anything is better than living like this. I can’t even sleep away my darkness that I feel inside. The only thing that I do feel is pain in my stupid ankle. It is a constant pain that has driven me to thoughts of death. Doctors have told me it is tendonitis but if that was all that it was, I should have been healed by now with rest and ice and elevation, but I am not. I don’t think doctors have a fricken clue what I go through on a daily basis. I talk with my therapist at least twice a week, for fifty minutes each day. I don’t think she gets me. She says she does but I don’t think she does. Same goes for my psychiatrist. She says that if I didn’t have pain, I would be less suicidal. On some level she gets it but I don’t think she really know just how suicidal I have become. If she only knew what was swirling in my head. I have voices that are constantly talking to me during my waking hours, I think I have said this earlier. They talk to me about anything and everything. They seemingly are my best friends, you can say, if that is possible. We have conversations that last for hours. Some times it is deep, other times not so deep. Some of the voices try to help me, others could care less and just want to make sure I am in pain. I have tried to control them with medication but still they continue despite this. I think that is why I am always in a flux of mental pain. Like I am tonight. I am numb but not numb enough. I have seen worse nights than I have tonight. But I am hoping when I go to sleep it is for the last time. That I won’t wake up in the morning. I am hoping to die in my sleep. I know that is unlikely. I do not have any health problems that would cause such a thing. Unless of course, I do have the silent heart attack and it kills me instantly.
midnightdemons7 