loathing

Loathing

I feel so much hate toward myself. I can’t stand it. I am in so much pain that it is driving me crazy. I went to see my pdoc because I needed a refill on my prescription. I was an hour early because I got messed up on the time. I really don’t know what my problem is. I am just going crazy. I have ice on my ankle right now because it is so sore I can barely stand on it anymore. I wish I could say that I did too much but I didn’t. I wore my AFO and still my ankle wouldn’t work on me. I am so depressed.

I told my psychiatrist I took a lot of pain medication and she checked my eyes to see if I took too much. Oh well. I had to take eight pills yesterday just to finally be able to get to sleep at three in the morning. There was no discussion about going into the hospital today. I wasn’t up for it. I was feeling too hopeless that she could help me that I didn’t even bring it up. She gave me some tips on being a writer that I thought was thoughtful of her. We discussed the book a little bit. I still am hoping that in a month I will be ready for it to be published, but we’ll see.

I want to watch the baseball game today but I am already exhausted. My head hurts and I am wicked tired. I also didn’t discuss the out of body experience with her. For the first time in months, I was walking with a cane today. I had to. I am pissed about that too. That walking can be taken away from me just like that. I can’t stand it. It is so frustrating. I have to see my PCP next week to get a refill on my pain meds. I really don’t want to. I know I have gained a few pounds since I last saw him but having your menses just makes you gain weight and messes with your appetite. I haven’t been able to stick with a diet or calorie limits because all I have been craving is cookies and sweets. There are some days that all I will eat are pop tarts, three times a day. I might make an egg but I haven’t felt like it in at least two weeks now. Sure I have been buying take out, which doesn’t help. Yesterday I had Chinese. Today my appetite has been limited so all I have had are some potatoes that my mother cooked for supper and a Starbucks sandwich that I had with my coffee. I don’t feel like eating because nothing tastes good except for cookies.

I’m starting to feel the effects of my meds so I am going to stop here for now. I just hope that my pain levels go down or I am really not going to be happy. In fact I might just be suicidal.