music and birthdays

Today I started out editing my book. Boo. By the time I got to the end of some paragraph on page 100 and something, I was toast. I did edit the end of the blog so now I am down to 148 pages. Now I just have to work on the ending to make it more than a paragraph. OI.

My Brother in law’s mother came over today and wanted some country music so I made her some CDs that I had collected over the years. Just some mixed CDs of country artists. It took longer than I was expecting as my CD burner took forever. Three hours later I had about a dozen CDs put together from Taylor Swift to Luke Bryan. I also found a CD I haven’t listened to since I made it in 2002! I think I made it for work to listen to as it has some of Martina McBride to Mongomery Gentry to Coldplay. My taste in music is always varying. I can go to listening to Pearl Jam to listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter (country folk music for those that have not heard her in a long while!) It also brought back memories of the CDs I made to my therapist before she had a child. I would share the music I was listening to at the time because music has such a deep impact on my mood. I would share the music to let her know how the lyrics moved me. I would spend hours setting up the playlist just right before burning the music onto a CD. Some times the music went deeper than my moods. I felt like it had a relationship component to my therapist and I. Like the song “You had me at hello” by Kenny Chesney is the perfect song of our relationship. I would have the video in this blog but I don’t know how to do that. I am not that technologically advanced!

My mood has been all over the place the last few days. I still want to be dead. I am dreading tomorrow visiting my Godmother. It is her birthday and I always feel funny visiting. Tomorrow is her 90th birthday. I know that she doesn’t have that many birthdays left so I want to share as many of them as I possibly can. It’s hard going over there because I miss her husband so much. He was my favorite uncle. And I don’t want to say something stupid like, “where is Uncle Sam”? He was always very good to me.
November is birthday month for me. I have so many birthday I swear my family picked every day just to mess with me. My sister starts on the 3rd. My Godparents are the 11th and 13th, and my other sister is the 15th. I also have friends and more family members but I always mess up the dates. I am usually a day early or a day late.

My godfather is no longer with us and it is still painful. I miss him so much it hurts. He passed away almost two years ago, suddenly from I believe a pulmonary embolism (blood clot in the lung). Since his death, I have hated November. We used to celebrate my godparents’ birthday’s together because their dates were so close. It just makes me sad remembering him. He too was a good guy that had more trust in me that I know what to day with. He always thought about me and even as he was losing his memory and it was harder to have conversations, I knew he knew who I was. He also suffered from Alzheimer’s. It runs on both sides of my family. Another reason to put a nail in my coffin. I know that by the time I get it they might have better treatments available but I doubt they will have better treatments for depression by then. Like my friend was telling me, they can put a man on the moon but they can’t find a treatment for treatment resistant depression. It sucks.