It all depends on the individual. The person has to admit they have a problem before treatment is going to sink in. It’s one of the hardest things to do is admit that you have a problem and are powerless to not give in to your impulse. I have done this many times when I feel suicidal. I know it’s not the same as narcotics, ETOH, or even nicotine, but there was a time that it was just as bad as any drug could be. AA helped to deal with it, I can’t explain how; it just did once I admitted to myself that one day I would die by my own hand. No amount of therapy or hospitalizations was going to help if I really wanted to die and no one could stop me if I absolutely wanted to. It’s a choice that I have struggled with for years and will continue to, but once I decided that I have to be here for my kids, it was either commit suicide or have them bear the pain of hurting them or to be there for them when they really need me. I chose to be there for them and even though at times it kills me to struggle through another depressive episode, I have to remind myself that the love that I have for them and them for me is greater than any pain the suicidal impulse has. I was read that it only takes ten minutes to kill yourself and if you wait those minutes out, chances are you will survive. It’s not easy, but once you make up your mind to do it or not, the choice is still yours. I have taken this approach to many things and it’s always work for me.
1-Feb-04
Depression wise, I can’t even begin to think about it. I have been working with my therapist about my past relationships. Until I got slammed with insomnia, pain, and another bout of depression. I told her Thursday that each episode is like the first time, you forget that you got past the last one. You know you did, don’t know how but you did and then you get stuck with another one and you think that you can’t go through it again or why bother. Yet I fucking do and I have no idea why. Actually that is not true. My nephew and my nieces are my reason. Sometimes I don’t think it’s enough and they would be better off. God, I have no idea when this nightmare will ever end. I was doing some research and there is a suicidal place in NY that studies post mortem suicides. Hell, if it would help, I would donate some brain samples today if it would end this feeling of wanting to end my life forever. Twenty years I have been struggling with this bullshit. Wasn’t easy coming up for air and it wasn’t easy asking for help but some how I beat the odds. There was a time that I thought there was a day that I knew I was going to end my life by my own hand. I no longer think I can do that, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like wanting to. Human behavior is a funny thing. If it’s one thing that I learned is that no matter how much you study something, something unexpected happens.
February 4, 2004
I am again thinking that this is a struggle that I don’t think I can do again. Right now I feel so hopeless and worthless. I am thinking of going to the ER and talk with someone but what would be the point of that.
midnightdemons7 