Today is…

Today is…

Today my high school friend is being laid to rest as her son watches idly by. I went to the wake yesterday to pay my respects and to say goodbye. No one knew who I was but that was ok. I had hoped to see some former classmates but I guess I was too early for them. I didn’t cry as it was a closed casket. Seeing her would have made it more real. I hope that she is no longer suffering and that she is at peace. After paying my respects, I left. It was good timing as I was tired from walking down several blocks to the funeral home and the bus came a few minutes after I left. I didn’t have to stand and wait too long. The reception line was long and I had to stand for more than twenty minutes. It took it’s toll on me but it was worth it.

Today is my therapist and I thirteenth year anniversary. I won’t write a “back to history blog” like I did for my niece. I don’t remember most of what we talked about this week let alone thirteen years. It has been a long thirteen years but I wouldn’t have chosen any other therapist to help me along the way.

Today is also my mother’s birthday. I feel bad because I normally get her some flowers on her birthday and then an idea struck of getting her a sub from her favorite sub shop. That scored me points. LOL. Granted the sub isn’t as pretty as flowers but she was happy just the same.

Depression as struck me hard this week. It happened Monday night while I was in severe pain. It hasn’t let up since. I woke up in pain this morning, which is always “lovely”. It’s more like a cramp that won’t go away. I hate it. Dealing with the pain and depression together is very challenging. The depression just swooped in on me because god forbid the lucky feeling that I was feeling on Monday should last. God forbid if I should have any positive feelings. That is why when I do, I don’t trust them to stay around. I might not be in a pit of depression but I’m close to it. I’m hoping it’s just the grief of the loss of my friend but I was down before I found out she passed away. But at least I am writing again. There were two days this week I didn’t write or blog at all. It was the first time in more than a year that I skipped a blog post for two consecutive days. I just didn’t care. I had no motivation to get out of bed let along write. Usually I force myself to write something everyday as it helps me but I was too exhausted, mentally, to do that. I just said the hell with it. Nothing was coming to me anyways. It would have been painful to pull something out and I hate it when that happens. How is it painful? It’s like trying to pull out a tooth with no anesthesia. To force myself would have hurt me. I hate writing under that type of pressure. I want my writing to be free flowing, not forced.

I wish I could have that feeling back, that feeling of being lucky and happy. It seems so fleeing now. I can barely remember what it was like. I know that I felt good. Seems like every time I have a good day it’s always followed by depression. At least the depression isn’t the “walk in the mud” type. It’s more of a sleep type where I don’t want to get out of bed and all I want to do is sleep. Trouble is that the sleep isn’t restful. It just makes me more tired and useless. Like everything else I do, it takes so much effort and energy to do something. I’m not going to get my coffee today. I really need to rest my ankle today. When I went out to get my mother her sub, I can feel that it didn’t like me walking, even with the AFO on. The AFO is an ankle/foot orthotic that makes me walk correctly. If I had gotten it way back when, I might not have been on the road to disability. Course the way things are now, I doubt I would still be on the road to being an author if I was still working. Those are the “what ifs”.

My pain seems to have lessened since early this morning. As usual, I am wicked exhausted. Pain just takes a lot out of you and you don’t even realize it until it is gone, or at least simmered down. I really want to take a nap but am afraid that I will be up all night if I do.