Falling Apart

Falling apart

Since my little self harm episode yesterday, I have been crying non stop. I am just am extremely sad for some reason. I cried throughout therapy and my therapist of course wants me to see her in her office. Her anxiety is up because of my self harm issues. I really want to cut again but am not sure I can do it. I have been thinking about it all day. I just feel like it will help with the feelings of being a worthless scumbag.

I have been up early today because I had to meet with the podiatrist. He thinks it’s a nerve issue so gave me a nerve block. It numbed the painful area and it still is numb. For the first time in three years it is not painful. I hope it still works during the night. I haven’t done anything all day because I didn’t want to risk injuring it while walking. He also wants me to have nerve conduction tests. I am foregoing that aspect of his treatment plan. I don’t think that will tell us anything because I already have nerve damage in the foot. My foot is still sore where the shot was. I hope it goes away.

The urges to cut have not stopped. I feel like I might try again today but I don’t know. I am trying to resist as long as possible. I have been trying not to think about it but it is hard. My therapist of course wants another session with me on Monday but I don’t think that will help me. I feel like I let her down because I cut. I feel really ashamed of myself. No one knows about this except my blogging community and my therapist.

I tried to eat some good food today but nothing tastes right. I should have just had donuts and be done with it. But I am still waiting on my psychiatrist to write in my prescription for abilify so I can get it. I am kind of running low. I don’t care if I run out but there will be consequences if I do stop taking it. I sent her an email about the podiatrist and the script so hopefully she will write another script because the one she did never went through. My therapist thinks that I should write to her to tell her I cut so she is in the loop but I don’t want to. I feel like it will be another person I let down and I can’t live with that.

Today as been a hard day. I have been trying to sleep and just rest my ankle but it is not easy. I either have to go to the bathroom downstairs or I get hungry which leads me to downstairs yet again. I just want to zone out. I could just take some Neurontin and chill out. I think that is what I am going to do. Maybe if I sleep off this laziness, I will feel better. I have been up since six. It has been a very long day.

I think part of why I have been so weepy today is because I finally have no pain after three years. Not even a buzzing sensation on my ankle. No throbbing. No nothing since the nerve block. It’s very weird to go from being in pain to no pain. Maybe a nerve block can happen in my brain and prevent my urges for cutting to.