for want of a nap

Today is my down time day. I really just worked a little bit on my manuscript and then had to take a nap, except I didn’t fall asleep because I was friggen freezing in my room! I still got this damn cold that just won’t go away. Today I decided to increase my fluid intake because I think I was dehydrated. Dark urine is usually a good indicator. And now I am peeing my brains out. Every half hour I have to friggen pee. WTH!!

Bad news of today is that I really want to cut again. Not sure what triggered it as my manuscript was focused on my psychiatrist and there is nothing there that would make me want to cut. I guess I am just feeling annoyed and have to get rid of the feeling the only way I know how. But I have a possible wake/funeral to go to so I don’t want to be marking up my arm. I wrote my therapist another letter this morning as I was up at 0430. I was able to get back to sleep around six and sleep till ten so I was glad about that.

I really feel like I am losing my mind, or what is left of it anyways. A friend wanted to get together today but I told him I had stuff to do, family stuff. I was debating seeing my aunt who is really sick but seeing as I am sick, it probably would not be a good idea to see her. This is the second time in my life that she has been ill and I get a friggen cold and can’t see her. It’s just really tough. Plus, I don’t want my last memories of her to be sick. I heard she had a really hard time yesterday. I hope today is a better day for her.

I have been feeling really sad because I know my aunt is going to die soon. The hardest part is the waiting. They gave her 5-10 days to live because she is so sick. I hope that it is sooner just so my cousin (her daughter) doesn’t have to suffer longer than she has to watching her mother die. It has to be the toughest thing in the world to see. It just breaks my heart. I love them both so much. But my aunt has lived a long life. She is 91. My fondest memories of her is her always making food whenever we stopped by to see her. She would literally make us something and would get so mad if we didn’t eat it. Most of the time we almost always ate before coming to see her so we weren’t that hungry. But because she only speaks Italian, it was hard to explain to her why we didn’t want to eat. Or that we spent every holiday over her house growing up. After my parents divorced, we kind of were out of the loop about my family. My cousin had another baby and we didn’t even know about it. My other cousins had kids and we didn’t know about it until after the fact. These kids don’t know me and I find that sad.

Now if I could only take a nap I would be happy…

any thoughts?

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