As much as I tried to avoid getting sick yesterday, I think another culprit is to blame for me getting sick. There was a lady behind me on the bus that was sneezing and I think I caught her germs. I have been doing nothing but sneezing most of the day today, and I have been up since 0530. I am pissed because I am supposed to babysit tonight and tomorrow. I don’t feel really sick but my head feels like it is going to explode. Sinuses suck when they are clogged.
I finally loaded a profile on my speech to text software last night. I made my first FB post using it. I still like to type so I am typing this blog today. I am hoping to try it out tomorrow when I feel a little better. Right now I am all congested so I don’t think that will be good trying to talk with my voice not being clear.
I have use of my sister’s car today. I am excited but there is no place that I really want to go, except Starbucks but I feel so run down, I don’t want to go out again. I just came home from picking up my lunch: Pizza. I have been dying for a slice for a few days now. I don’t know why I get food cravings. It’s not like I am pregnant, far from it! Just weird I guess.
Last night I couldn’t sleep. I had a lot on my mind from my therapist appointment. She is hung up on the grief factor because of my aunt’s death. But I don’t feel sad. I don’t feel depressed about her death. We were close when I was younger but I don’t have that much new memories in my adult life. We just grew apart, though she would always ask me to come over for coffee whenever she saw me. I never saw her because we had a language barrier. She spoke 90% Italian, but the dialect kind. I always had trouble understanding her because I don’t know Italian much less the dialect kind. She was a good woman. And though she is gone, I am happy she is reunited with her husband, my favorite uncle. I know she was lonely though she didn’t show it often. He was a huge part of her life. And I am sure being without him for sixteen long years must have been tough.
But that is not why I have been having such a hard time lately. See this week marks an anniversary of when I started therapy and when I first wanted to end my life. It has been 23 years since this has happened. I was fifteen. But sometimes it still feels like yesterday. And dealing with my father who has been the chief contributor to my demise that year of the past, just means I was more vulnerable than I would be if I wasn’t dealing with my father. He just makes me want to drink which I guess is better than cutting. That night changed my life in a very profound way. I saw my father for who he truly was and it was an eye opening experience. The pedestal that I put him in came crashing down that night. And I wanted no part of him after that. Because if he could be so cruel that night, who is to say he wouldn’t flip out on us kids. He was very scary that night. I never seen him so mad before. Sure I seen him lose his temper but this was way different. He threatened my cousin and was intent on following that through. I have never seen him so livid. Course after all was said and done, I really needed to escape the craziness so I started cutting to deal with my pain. Not the best coping method but it was the only one available at the time.
midnightdemons7 