depressed and pissed off

For the first time in a couple of weeks, I am starting to feel really depressed. I have not left the house other than for my psych appt yesterday. I can’t read the way that I used to. I just get so restless and lose interest rather quickly. I have tried several different books and it is the same. I read for a few minutes and I can’t wait for a break because I can’t stop in the middle of a paragraph. I will continue to read but I am not really paying attention to what I am reading.

I also am finding that I am not writing in my journal as often anymore. I just look at it and I just can’t pick it up to write how my day is going or the past few days have gone. My appetite is any where in the range of starving to no appetite. But I haven’t lost or gained weight, so I am happy about that. Last thing I need is to gain the weight I lost. It has been very tricky, especially when I get the hungry horrors.

I just don’t feel like myself. I don’t know what myself is, but I know that by staying inside all the time is not me. Granted is has been fricken cold out so I don’t want to leave the house. But I am bored. I am bored with my game, bored with doing nothing all day, bored with having no routine. Tomorrow I was going to go out to see my therapist but there is supposed to be a snow storm so that got nixed. I am starting to feel trapped. I hardly leave my room except to eat or go to the bathroom. I haven’t showered or shaved in a few days. Last time I did was Sunday. And that was only because it was my father’s birthday party. I just don’t know what to do with myself. People have been telling me to go to the library. But I don’t feel like going. Last place I want to be is surrounded by books when I can barely read the ones I have. My psych suggested using the computer to do my research. I don’t think I can because I would want to print out the articles and if I can’t print them out, then what is the purpose of researching in the first place.

Then I think of how my editor is screwing me over and I get pissed off. I can’t believe she still has not messaged me telling me she is working on my book. It’s almost the end of March. I was hoping for the beginning of April publishing date. Guess that is not going to happen now. And with each passing day that I don’t hear from her, I have my doubts on whether this book is going to be ever published. I am getting wicked stressed that my money has been taken and gone away forever. It’s bad enough that I am feeling used but this just tops it. I know I should confront her and tell her that if she isn’t going to work with me, then I want a refund. I actually dreamt about this last night. My book isn’t long so I don’t see what the problem is, other than she taking on too much at one time. But that is not my problem. I paid for a service and it hasn’t been fulfilled. I feel like I have been taken to the cleaners. And I want so bad to post something negative on her fricken FB page but I am not the type to do it. I have been waiting for four fricken months now. Today she posted that she is taking a personal day Thursday, which means I am not even on her radar anymore. I just am very pissed off. But lesson learned. Don’t be paying into services on FB unless you know they are real and legit.