I still am not feeling myself. I feel very suicidal and every bottle of pills looks like an answer to me. I am trying very hard to resist the urges but it is very difficult. I got my new pain medication and the pills are smaller. They will be easier to swallow but I am trying not to think about that. My therapist will have an earful when I talk to her tomorrow. I am glad we have an extra session on Thursday, too. Seems like I always need more sessions when I am suicidal than when I am doing “okay”. But I never seem to be okay. I am either in a suicidal mood or a depressed mood. There isn’t a normal one anymore.
I tried to talk with my editor last night about how my book is coming and got no where. This waiting SUCKS!!!!!!
I decided I wanted potatoes and hotdogs for supper tonight so I am cooking them now. The potatoes will take forever so I am hoping in an hour I will have supper. I have the dogs thawing so they will be easier to cut.
I did a lot of walking today. I tried to walk off my frustrations about last night but it didn’t help. I am still suicidal. I am not hospital bound suicidal though. Right now I am just thinking about it more than I should. I don’t plan on acting on it, though I think if something were to push me further, I might. I was talking to a blogger friend last night before my meds conked me out. It was a good chat. She was trying to validate me being a guy. But there shouldn’t be any type of validation, I should just be a guy and that is that! I am a son not a daughter! I am so confused. But every time I bring it up, so does the suicidal thoughts so maybe I shouldn’t talk about it. I am just exhausted from dealing with it. I am exhausted from walking too. My foot is going to thank me later, I just know it.
I got a new blog follower that is a psychologist. That makes two that I have. I feel kind of honored. I don’t know them outside of my blog, which is good, but then, I don’t know half of my blog followers anyway. All part of being anonymous.
I don’t know what I am really going to say to my therapist other than she put me in a tailspin of suicidal thoughts all because she wanted me to move forward with my TG issues. I think she thinks it is an “easy” solution to my suicidal thoughts…deal with the TG and then you decrease the suicide thoughts. I wish it worked that way but it doesn’t, and it failed miserably last night. I am so out of sorts I haven’t even texted her today that I am so miserable. I thought about sending her my blog but what would be the point. It would be similar to my TG suicidal mind blog and that I am ashamed. She brought that up last night and it hurt like hell. I don’t know why I felt hurt but I did. But then, a lot of stuff hurt me last night and the realization that I am never going to be a guy hurt more than I can ever write about. I could let it go but what if my suicidality gets out of hand and she has no clue why? I know she is not that stupid but she is more for containment of my suicidal thoughts than dealing with the whys. In fact, I think most clinicians think that if they magically deal with suicidal containment, then they don’t have to deal with the why. It’s all messed up.
I am glad I don’t have therapy today and maybe I will text my therapist later tonight that I am having a hard time. Maybe I won’t. I am still wicked pissed at her. She knows how the TG stuff activates my suicidality sometimes. I just can’t believe she would do it and then not assess me afterwards. That part drives me crazy. Granted I wasn’t immediately suicidal after session but as the night wore on, I found myself having more and more suicidal thoughts. Hence why I wrote that blog. Maybe I am the idiot here.
midnightdemons7 