That’s what I do best

As I am nearing my 700th blog mark, I am trying to think of something poignant to write. I still have a few days to really think about this.

I woke up really hungry this morning so made myself some pancakes. I don’t know what I did wrong, but they didn’t come out right. I think next time, I am going to omit the baking soda and see how they come out.

I cannot wait for tomorrow so I can order my books. I am still trying to finagle how to save money so I can ship them out. Right now I think I am just going to ship out the overseas as that will be the most expensive. I then ship out the domestic next month. I am really excited and hope that I don’t screw up my signature. I haven’t really been practicing. LOL. I just am really excited to ship out my book to Switzerland. I just hope I filled out the customs form correctly.

I finally made it out. I went to Walgreens and surprisingly, I paid less than one dollar. This was due to their rewards program. This is the second time that I have paid less than a dollar on more than three products. It’s pretty cool.

I am feeling depressed though I have no reason to be. I just don’t feel like doing anything. It’s going to Walgreens was a hassle. Was it a hassle in the sense of going there, but just internally of getting dressed, picking out shoes, and a hat. I just grabbed the first hat that was available to me and went out.

I told my therapist today that I felt like committing suicide. She couldn’t believe it. She was excited about my book and she can’t wait until I have it signed for her. I am hoping to borrow my sister’s car tomorrow but I don’t know how likely that is. It’s school vacation week and I don’t know if my sister is off of work but not. I don’t know why I feel so low. I know it’s mostly because I don’t have anything to occupy my thoughts. I don’t have any writing projects that I’m actively pursuing, nor do my games keep me occupied. She suggested I just go out and just sit at Starbucks to just write. But it’s hard to be in a coffee place, with no coffee. My funds for coffee have been depleted. So now I just have to make coffee at home and that is boring.

I am listening to Pearl Jam. I really like them when I am in a dark mood. It helps to ease my anxiety and make my mood less dark. I don’t know why I keep track of my word count. But I do. It kind of kills me because at one point I was able to write 1,000 word blogs and now I can barely write 500. Even my blog is becoming a hassle. Maybe I should be in the hospital to get a break from my life. I am suicidal enough. But I just feel like it will be a let down, that I won’t really get the care I need. I am not that bad, I don’t think. I know I took one too many pills last week but those feelings haven’t dissipated. I feel like such a failure and I don’t know why. My therapist was so excited to get my book. She couldn’t put it down. But I doubt she has read the full chapter. I think the hardest thing for me right now is that I have nothing to do and I don’t know what to do so I think about killing myself. Because that’s what I do best.