I have been meaning to see my PCP for the past few days because I think I might have a UTI. Today it was on my mind but I never made the call. I will try again tomorrow. I just don’t want to deal with an idiot and my doc knows the situation I am in so I know he will understand more than one of his colleagues. Trouble is, I don’t know if I can see him. He might not be available and then I will be screwed. I have an appointment with him next week but I fear the longer I wait, the worse I will get. I am already starting to feel really crappy. No fevers or anything but just run down. I hate dealing with this. And then if it is not a UTI, I am going to wonder if my back is starting to go. That is my huge fear.
I still am in a hopeless depression. I swear it gets worse with each passing day. I am just so tired of fighting it all the time. Why can’t I just sleep and not wake up until it passes? Or just not wake up at all. That would be my ideal plan. I just feel like I am stuck in a black hole of some kind that is sucking all the hope from me. No matter how hard I try to avoid it, it never works. I feel so useless.
I had a few arguments with my therapist today. I told her that I hate her. I didn’t want to see her anymore and that next week would be our last session. All got ignored. She didn’t like the idea of quitting while I was in the throws of another suicidal depression, so she is not going to let me go. She is such a bitch. I don’t know how many times I told her I hated her. But she just ignored me. That made me even more mad. I told her I didn’t want to talk. We agreed that we will meet once next week. I hope she keeps that. Sometimes she will say something like that but then “forget” and call me. She still wants me to go out there to sign her book. I haven’t figured out when I am going to do this. If I had the money for gas, it would be no problem. I would just borrow my sister’s car and go out there. But I am broke and what money I have left I have to save to ship out my books to the UK. I told my therapist I would text her like crazy and she is ok with that. She is a weirdo.
My psych answered my email that I sent at like 2-3 in the morning. She wanted to see if I saw my PCP. I told her I slept late and didn’t call. I then asked if she had any magic pills as my pills suck but she hasn’t responded. I also told her I am in a black hole, that I am beyond hopeless. I don’t want to go on with treatment anymore. What is the point? My therapist said that if I stopped my meds, I would be worse. Probably. I just hate being so down and tired all the time.
Tomorrow I need to cancel one appointment and make another. Go to the post office and ship my book to the UK. Then, I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t feel like going for coffee. I don’t feel like writing. I just want to stay in bed and do nothing. Today I did a lot as I was waiting for UPS to deliver my books so I was going up and down the stairs constantly. My ankle is not happy with me right now and probably won’t be the rest of the night. Oh well. I just need to clear off a shelf on my bookcase to put the books in.
midnightdemons7 