I am feeling a little better today. I was able to get up and do some things. One of the things I did was read and study the book “Experiences of Depression”. It is a book written by Sydney Blatt. He is a good writer but a lot of the concepts are foreign to me as it has been years since I read about Freud. He also is talking a lot of psychoanalytical stuff that I just am clueless about. But his thoughts about depression, I think are solid. I am taking notes so that I can talk about it with my therapist on Monday. She is the one that introduced me to Blatt.
I so far have avoided taking a nap. Having a 4 pm ball game is helping to keep me from resting my head on a pillow. I did make myself a cup a tea and make myself some lunch. I still don’t have that much of an appetite, but I am eating. I am also trying to increase my fluid intake because after the serious side effects I had the other night, I don’t know if it was because of dehydration or side effects of the abilify. I really have not been drinking fluids except for the few sips I take with my medication. And with me sleeping most of the time, I know I am dehydrated a little bit.
This week has been the hardest to get through. I am glad that I am not so sleepy as I have been most of the week. But that might change. I think the Cymbalta is finally starting to give me a little kick. I just hope it’s not too much of a kick. I really don’t want to be manic, though I would welcome some euphoria.
What really has been surprising me all week is that I haven’t been in too much pain. My physical pain has been minimal to nonexistent. But I think that is because I really have not been out of bed except to go to the bathroom or eat something. I hope the level of pain stays the way it has been but I don’t think it will. My foot is cold today and that always means a flare up later. Weather has been beautiful all week, not like I have enjoyed much of it. I really have been under the covers.
I have to say that despite the physical symptoms of my depression, I have not been suicidal. I really don’t know why that is. Usually when my depression is bad, I am nothing but suicidal. I told my therapist during our last session that if I become suicidal again, via text as the case usually is, that she is to implement the SSF despite my protests. I think it would be interesting to fill one out when I am in the middle of a suicidal mind set. The hardest part is knowing when a suicidal crisis will occur. I already know certain factors are involved: physical pain, hopelessness, suicidality, low depression, and helplessness or psychache. This combination of feelings is more than likely to send me over the edge at any given moment.
midnightdemons7 