My sister had a BBQ today. I didn’t stay long. Just long enough to stuff my face and then leave. I wasn’t feeling very social. I told my father he has a doc appointment tomorrow so I didn’t have to call him. He called me anyway tonight to find out what time he had to leave his house. Bugger. I also have to deal with him on Wednesday. I would rather have back to back sessions with my therapist than deal with my father’s appointments.
I have been in a low mood all day. I slept after I ate and just woke up in time to take my night meds. I don’t feel rested. But I do feel restless. I feel like I should do something but I don’t know what. I don’t feel much like reading, though I probably should as the books keep getting higher instead of lower. I am reading a book on the Myths of suicide. It’s an interesting book. But it stirs too much feeling up for me that I have to read it in spurts.
The other books that I am reading is on the civil war, experiences of depression, and Far from the tree. I also seem to read multiple books at the same time. I can never decide which one to read or what will suit my mood. I am also reading a book about blunders in history. That is a book that I read on my travels. I mostly read that when I am on the train.
Tomorrow I am going to have to pay for my coffee. I can’t use my Starbucks card because there are no funds on it and it would be stupid to add three dollars on to it. I found a new coffee, Brezza. It is so good. I hope it lasts throughout the summer.
Despite today being a holiday, my therapist was in the office so we had a session. A useless session. I just felt like we were talking with an elephant in the room but ignoring the elephant. Though I don’t really know what the elephant was standing for. We went over the Experiences book but she doesn’t remember a lot about it as it has been years since she last read about Blatt. She wants me to skip some chapters and just focus on the anaclitic depression and interjection of depression but I can’t do that. I HAVE to read a book from start to finish. I know some people can mix up the chapters and just read what they want to read but I feel like you miss something if you do that. Course, when I was reading Dostoevsky, I found his writing to be able to pass on and others you cannot. His writing is similar to mine, though definitely not in depth. He will start writing about a couple of things and then go off on tangents. I find that some of my blogs go the same way. I do miss reading his works. Maybe after I finish one of my books, I will re-read the Idiot, a book I read in college.
Still not feeling any suicidal inclinations. It is so weird not being suicidal after you have been suicidal for so long. I am by no means saying I am better. I still have horrible depressions and psychotic episodes. I just don’t feel like killing myself all the time. Maybe that is the elephant in the room today. I wanted to talk about my non-suicidal feelings and my therapist didn’t really give me a chance to do so. I hate when that happens. She was more focus on how I was going to deal with my father the next few days. He can make me feel so small and also cause me to drink. I am not an alcoholic but only drink when all my buttons have been pushed by him. It’s either drink or do something destructive.
I should email the AAS editor and see when my blog is next going to be posted. It has been more than a month and I still have not heard anything. Maybe they don’t want my story any more but it would be nice to be told that.
midnightdemons7 