a good but tiring day

Today was my niece’s graduation. I am glad I went because I saw my cousins that I usually only see during weddings or funerals. I had no idea they were coming. It was so good to see them.

I have been in a depressed state. I hardly ate anything today. I should be hungry by now but I have no energy to eat anything. I just feel really run down. My pain is up there and I am trying not to let it get to me but I just can’t seem to ignore it the way I should be able to.

One of my aunts was telling me about her physical therapist and that I should see her. Thing is, I have had enough of PT and doctors to last me a lifetime. I don’t want to see anyone else as there is not a clear diagnosis for me to even begin PT again, not that it would help. I didn’t break a bone. I didn’t sprain anything that I know of yet I am in constant physical pain. She wants to help me and I understand this but there is nothing anyone can do. I know I am “babying” myself by not doing regular walking but what do you do when it hurts to walk?? I worked for two years in constant pain, seeing doctor after doctor to find out what was wrong. Now that I am on disability, I think I have earned the right to just sit around and do nothing for a little while. I know that resting my leg/ankle/foot is helping to bring the swelling down and I am getting better. But days like today where I am standing to talk to people and walking around just takes so much out of me. And people don’t realize it. They just think that because I am standing there with a smile on my face I am fine. I got a reprimand twice today about just wearing a T-shirt today. I wanted to tell them, “at least I showed up”. I wasn’t going to, I really wasn’t. But I went anyways and if I showed up in a t-shirt and jeans, well it’s better than me not being there, right?? Sure, it made me a little self-conscious, but my sisters didn’t mind and to me that was most important to me. I showed up and that was what counted.

I talked with one of my cousins today about my book. She is so proud of me for writing one. I told her exactly how I felt, like a failure because it wasn’t doing well. She said she is going to get it. Another cousin said the same thing.

I know I should be proud of my book but I am starting to feel like I put so much of myself into it that I shouldn’t have. But I can’t change the way that I wrote it unless I rewrite the book. I knew what was going into this book. I have read it three times. Some of the stuff I can’t believe I wrote, or that “I” wrote it because it was good stuff. But it’s not selling and that just has me down. And sadly, I can’t find the energy to promote my book. I have realized it will take money to make money and frankly, I just don’t have the motivation or the cash to do it.