Feel stupid

Feel stupid

I had asked my therapist for another session today to continue what we were talking about yesterday about my self-image and dissociative state. Least that was the plan anyways. It didn’t work out. I was so out of it from taking pain meds last night and still feeling deeply worried about my ankle as it is numb. I thought with rest it would go away by morning but it hasn’t happened yet. The pain is not there, least as long as I don’t move it a certain way. We ended up talking about that, most of the session. And then I felt bad and stupid because there were periods where I wasn’t talkative or just gave one word answers. Yea I was an interesting person to talk to today. NOT.

I wrote her a letter last night and I partially read it to her, or at least gave her the gist of what it was about. Apparently, I threatened suicide at the end of the letter. But luckily, I didn’t follow through with it because I fell asleep shortly after signing off. I was in a bad state of mind last night because even though I had a “band” of numbness around my ankle, before and after this band was severe pain. I was just very uncomfortable and seriously considering going to the hospital to find out why I was numb. I am still numb but I don’t have the same amount of pain around the numbness. And I don’t think this is psychological. I think because it is so swollen, I can’t feel my ankle because the skin is being stretched so much. Icing it causes me pain so all I have left is elevation.

I almost had to laugh when my therapist asked what I was doing this weekend. UM, don’t you remember I am on bed rest?? The only thing I have to do is figure out how to get to the pharmacy to refill my pain medication. I figure I will do this on Saturday to make sure I don’t waste my time tomorrow. But other than that, I am not planning on going anywhere. I was supposed to go to a grad party Saturday and a birthday party on Sunday but I have cancelled those events as there is no way I can go. It will cause me too much pain.

This numbness that I am experiencing is really annoying me. Just imagine your foot going to sleep and never waking up is the best way I can describe it. I am not getting the pins and needles you get when it wakes up. I feel so stupid that this is happening. I can still stand on my foot, walk on it, etc. It just feels really weird. There is no color change, there is no bruise or redness around the area. It just is so frustrating. Even if I go to the hospital, I know the x-ray is going to show nothing wrong with it.

I am really tired today. I want to sleep but the fricken birds in my area are chirping really loud. It is annoying the crap out of me. And it’s hard to sleep when you are disturbed like this. I wish there was a way to scare the fuckers away but I don’t even know where they are hiding. I would throw rocks at them or something. Good thing I don’t own a fire arm.