Saturday blog 11

Saturday blog 11

I spent the morning with my father in the hospital. It got bored very quickly so I took my niece with me to the lab, where I used to work. It was very strange being there and not working as I always worked on Saturday. I wanted to go into the sendout room and log on to one of the computers but I no longer have computer access to the network. I miss working there so much it pained me being there. I said hi to those I knew and introduced my niece. It has been a long time since she was there. There are a lot of new people in the lab now so I don’t know everyone. Lot of turnover. I kept getting asked when I was coming back. I wish I could come back but even while I was standing there, my ankle was flaring up.

It’s still bothering that I was let go because of my medical issues. But I am a little happier that I am no longer at the “slave” lab. They didn’t care if both your arms were cut off, they just expected you to show up and work. That part I don’t miss.

My ankle is hurting me big time today. I really didn’t do too much other than walk around the hospital. I guess I went passed my limit. I know there is no way I can work an 8 hour shift there anymore. Not until I know that my ankle is better. I should have worn my brace today but I didn’t feel like it. Plus we were close for comfort in the car so it would have been really uncomfortable to wear.

Because I was so wiped out yesterday, I didn’t see my psychiatrist. I don’t know when I am going to see her next as her schedule is jam packed the next few weeks. I have been emailing her but she hasn’t given me a date or a time. I hate when she doesn’t respond to my emails. It drives me nuts. I didn’t have side effects from the pink pill last night. I think it was because I was too tired. I wish I could stop taking it but it is too risky. I can’t risk being off it or I might become psychotic. But I am going to play with it for a few nights to minimize the side effects. I hate feeling like I am not in control of my own body. And the side effects I felt the other night were horrible. I felt like I was having symptoms of MS or something. I was so spastic. But it was only in my forearms, not anywhere else. Usually, when these side effects happens, it usually affects my limbs. It will either be my lower legs or my forearms. So odd, but that is me. To prevent them from happening tonight, I took an Ativan earlier than usual.

While I was in the lab, I showed off my book. A couple people were interested in it but they didn’t buy my book. They just thought because they were my “friend”, they should get it for free. Too bad. They are working and can afford it. I am struggling with disability and my own finances. It really burned me, especially when they were like, oh this should be “ten dollars”. Whatever. You don’t have to buy it. I am not forcing you to buy, but don’t be telling me how to set my prices.

I really want to have some gin tonight. But I took so much pain medication that I don’t think it will be a wise choice. I just feel like drinking, not that I have to, but I just like the taste of gin. Granted last night was a battle but I slept good, even though I woke up a couple times during the night and finally ended up waking up at 0630 this morning. I have not taken a nap so I am hoping to sleep good tonight. I might have some gin a little later when the meds have a chance to wear off. I don’t drink often, just when I am hurting, emotionally, and I can’t express it.

I really want to take a shower, but my mother is cleaning the bathroom so a shower is out, unless I use my sister’s. But I can wait until my mother is done. What is one more day, really? It’s not like I am in a hurry to be clean. My leg will probably kill me afterwards so I am saving some spoons by not taking one. I really also want a nap. I don’t think that is going to happen, or maybe it will. I know that if I get some gin in me, it will be more than a certainty.

I have been trying to think of things to write about for my next book. But my thoughts have been clouded. It’s been a crazy week with dealing with my father and all. I am surprised my therapist called me on Thursday, and she texted me! I think she read part of my blog. I deleted most of the messages that I sent her. I am still so tired of our relationship. I just am not getting anything out of it. And she doesn’t see things the way I do and we just keep going round and round. I just don’t know what to do anymore.