This is the latest song by Blake Shelton. I really love this song and it has been on repeat the last hour or so.
I had a frustrating day with my father. He is such a fucking moron but I don’t say anything for fear of getting smacked. He wants the drain in him gone and I don’t blame him but he is still producing fluid so it cannot come out. He just doesn’t get it and it is so exhausting trying to get him to understand.
I had therapy today. We talked a little bit about my father but mostly talked about how I was doing and what to do about possibly using a code word when I sense my therapist is tense. Theory is that if we incorporate this word, she knows to settle down and try to keep her feelings in check so I can talk about my suicidal feelings openly and freely. We also talked about how much stress my birthday is causing me. I really don’t want the day to come or just have it overlooked but it isn’t going to happen. My sisters have asked me what I want and I told them I don’t really want anything. I feel bad because I didn’t get them anything for their birthday so I feel they shouldn’t get me anything for mine. Just show up for my “party” and that is all. I don’t even want a party but if I don’t have one, my family will have a ‘surprise’ one and that is worse. My birthday is also the last day my therapist will be in the office before Christmas break. She won’t be back until the new year. That is approximately two weeks as school vacation is starts the week of my birthday and doesn’t end until the 5th of January.
I really hate this time of year because I end up doing nothing fun. I can’t shop because I don’t have extra money. I really want to find a job but because I am still on long term disability through my job, I can’t. If I didn’t owe them money, I would be back at my old job in a heart beat, just working part time. We also talked about the possibility of me working again but she worried that I would take on too much and get sick again. I know I could possibly work part-time at an office job but it would all depend on what my responsibilities were. I still will always have the no bending and lifting greater than 10 lbs because of my back injury. I also cannot be on my feet all day as that causes my back to be out of sorts, so my dream job of being a barista is out. I still might want to try it out, just to see how I would do.
When I came home from my father’s, I got really dizzy. I haven’t really eaten anything today and drank even less. So far, I think I have drunk just 24 oz of fluid. I am trying to suck down a bottle of powerade but it is going slowly as I just am not thirsty either. I think I am going to make pancakes for my dinner, or I might have a bowl of cereal. I just am not that hungry today for some reason. I didn’t have breakfast, just a cup of coffee and I didn’t have lunch. I had some steak at my father’s that was wicked salty. I don’t know if that caused the dizziness. Salt is a tricky thing. Too much can make you thirsty and sick and too little can have the same effect. But for someone with blood pressure issues, like me, you have to watch your salt intake.