Doing nothing kind of day
Last night, my back pain returned. It was in competition with my ankle as to which body part was going to hurt more. Back won. This morning, I woke up with it and decided I was going to do nothing but try and stay in bed with muscle relaxers and pain meds. I wasn’t going to go over my father’s just so he could bitch and complain and be miserable. I’m done. My sister is done. He just better get used to things or he is going to alienate the only family he has. I just need to get back on my feet with my back and need a day to rest. So far resting hasn’t been working, though I can move my torso with less pain than I did last night.
I know I have writing to do. I have to type up the few pages that I wrote for my next book but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I know once I start doing it, it will be ok but for right now, I am having to sit up and type for only short periods of time because my back is aching so much. I really wish that it would get better. I took a nap after breakfast and had a dream that I went to the doc for my pain because the pain was now in my buttock. I woke up with excruciating pain in my hip. In the dream he just poke me and my butt exploded in pain. It was horrible that the dream was kind of true. I was in extreme pain but not in my butt, in my hip.
I have been debating calling my therapist but it’s after 2 and I doubt she will have a time for me. She is usually booked on Thursdays. I just feel like I am going crazy with having to deal with my father and this extra pain. And all of it started with a sneeze a few weeks ago. I am not at the suicidal range yet because I know this pain is temporary. Muscles take a while to heal and I know that. It is just the depression mixed in with the pain that is driving me crazy. I hate not being able to move or sit at my laptop for a few hours at a time, playing my game or writing. I haven’t written in my journal for at least two weeks and I usually enjoy that. Now I think it is a hassle. Since I have been blogging regularly, I feel like the writing, the actual pen and paper kind, is superfluous. So I have decreased the writing until I get the writing bug. The writing bug is when I have to write or I literally become anxious and don’t know what to do with myself. It doesn’t matter if I am typing or writing just as long as I get the words out of my head, whatever they might be. I will also write a letter to my therapist, or if the writing goes on for days, many letters. I just get this urge to write and it all comes spilling out.
My friend is in Brazil for his humanitarian efforts in the Amazon. He is providing free eye care to those in need. He has learned Portuguese so he can converse with the Brazilians. From what he has told me, they are literally dirt poor. I feel bad but I am glad my friend is doing such important work. Only trouble is that I haven’t seen him since August when he visited me in the hospital. I miss him. I miss our conversations. Hope we are able to get together after the holidays.
Yesterday’s blog was a success. I was finally able to figure out how to put in a YouTube video. Now that I know how, beware that there might be more in my upcoming blogs!