Quitting time

Quitting time

Quitting time is one of my favorite songs by Mary Chapin Carpenter. It is the song that I sent my ex to officially break up. It didn’t happen. Months later she contacted me, then blocked me on Facebook and I haven’t heard from her since. I think I might have thought of it when I was going through some hard times with my therapist.

Right now, it feels like it should be my quitting time. I haven’t been able to get out of the funk I am in. My therapist is supposed to let me know if she has an opening tomorrow. I kind of don’t want to talk to her. I just want her to leave me alone. But the more I try pushing her away, the more sessions I get. It doesn’t go in my favor. I just don’t feel like talking when I am in this type of funk.

I am supposed to go to PT tomorrow but I might cancel it because of the weather. It’s supposed to snow and if there is a lot, I am not going out in it. My ankle is still going to bother me no matter what they try to do. I don’t think going to PT is going to help me. I was hopeful before but now, since I feel so hopeless, I don’t think the same way. I just feel so worthless and have the “why bothers”.

I got to call my doctor’s office tomorrow as I think I need something for this cough that won’t go away. It is worse when I go up stairs and I can’t catch my breath. Then I start wheezing. I just get so congested. I haven’t been running any fevers or feel sick. I just have this cough that just won’t go away.

I feel like giving up. I don’t have anything keeping me here. I feel so awful, day in and day out. Part of me knows this is temporary but I am just tired of fighting it all the time. Why can’t I just give up? Why can’t I just take my life? I am worthless and useless. I can’t shake these feelings. I have tried distraction, music, showering, etc. I still don’t feel any better. I am in pain with my ankle and that brings me down further. I really just want to end my life and be done with it. It’s quitting time.