My therapist read my blog that I wrote last night. She said it was “brilliant” and conveyed a lot of information. She asked why was I thinking about this stuff now and I told her I have been reading a lot about therapy and stuff and wondered if it was still the right course to be on. She used the analogy of being on a boat and we both have been swinging the oars. I told her lately, I just feel like we are going around in circles. That is when she told me to pick up an oar. Knucklehead.
We are going to try and work in a few goals in the upcoming weeks so that I am not so isolated. We also talked about the voices and she has no clue why they have disappeared on me. They seem to come out when I am really tired and want to go to sleep. My day voices are no longer there, though one was briefly. I am hearing music in my head so I am hoping that is a good sign the voices are coming back. My reading “voice” is back so I can read without difficulty.
It is so weird not hearing the constant bickering of the voices all the time. My therapist also asked what will this be like if they don’t come back. I have been listening to these voices for over thirty years. I don’t want to think what my life will be like without them. I can’t. It will be suicidal to think that. I know they will show up again. I just may have to be off my meds for a little bit. I need to be my version of sane again. I just don’t feel like myself, at all.
It’s been hard trying to write the past few days. My thoughts seem slower to me. I also have no energy and feel tired all the time. I know part of it is being in chronic pain and suffering from depression. But I was able to get out yesterday so I am taking today as a rest day. I had some Chinese food that I have been craving. Unfortunately, it just made me bloated and sick to my stomach. I think I am also fighting a migraine as my head keeps pounding. I thought I took care of it this morning when I took a couple of ibuprofen. But I think the Chinese food just made matters worse. Soon as I can move without being nauseated, I will take my migraine pill. I just hope I have one left. I used up my last pill in the pack and I don’t know if I have another pack. I don’t get migraines that often so I don’t keep track of the pill count. I just called in a refill to my docs so it should be ready tomorrow, I hope. I really want to go to Starbucks tomorrow, if the weather cooperates.
I didn’t sleep well last night, which is another reason I am so tired today. It felt like I was up every hour, which I probably was. I finally gave up around 0700. I paid my bills for the month and ordered my groceries. I added a couple things. This is the first time in a LONG time that I have ordered over $100. But I haven’t gone grocery shopping in months so this replenishes what I desperately need. Only thing that sucks is that I won’t have my delivery until Friday. They had absolutely no slots open for today or tomorrow. I got $1 off my order for picking a time that was convenient. I would have picked the $2 off time but it was 7-10 at night and I wasn’t going to stay up that late for a grocery order. I love shopping online. No lines, no waiting, no standing around. Just click, click, click and you are done.
I still have two more books to wrap for my reviewers. It’s killing me when I have no motivation as well as no energy. But I have until Saturday when my royalties come in to send out the books. That is if I get up early to do it. I then will have to see my father to do his pills again.
midnightdemons7 