Still having psychotic symptoms.
I emailed my psychiatrist today to see if it was ok to take more trilafon than I am currently taking. I haven’t heard back. It might be a while. I know she is there only a few days a week but she should get back to me sometime tonight. I told her things are pretty much the same and that the paranoia is freaking me out. I hate having to look over my shoulder all the time. The delusions are still the same. I had wicked bad side effects last night from the abilify. I should have taken the Ativan sooner than I did but I was sleepy and thought I would sleep it off. This got interrupted by me having to go pee. Then my arm felt like it was going to fall off. The tension was so great I thought my arm was going to break in two. Then I had spasms and spasticity that drove me insane. I didn’t get to sleep till after 2300. I then woke up around 0600 today but after reading Dostoevsky, I was able to fall back to sleep.
I really hate having to deal with side effects. It is one of the reasons why I take the abilify every other day. But even then, I still could have side effects. I emailed my psychiatrist last night when it was happening. I think I just typed one handed on my phone because I couldn’t hold my phone and type with both hands. The spasms were also in my left hand so in between spasms, I was trying to hold the phone and type. If it wasn’t that bad, I probably would have blogged about it some more.
Insert sarcasm: had fun dealing with the father today. I kept on praying that they would hurry up and take him so I wouldn’t have to listen to his idiotic stories he thinks he is right on, when he is not. Just pisses me off and there is no point in arguing with him. Plus, we were in a public place so I really didn’t want to start an argument, or have him raise his voice in agitation. I blew it off best I could but it still bothers me that I have a vengeful father.
I kind of wish I asked my therapist for a phone session today. Even though I wanted nothing to do with her yesterday, today was tough to deal with, especially after last night. I really have never wanted to die as bad as I did last night just so the spasms would stop and I could get some relief. My arm is still throbbing just thinking about it. It is a side effect I am willing to deal with because all I have to do is take an Ativan for it to go away. Now it seems like I have to take it every night even if I don’t have side effects.
I really need to see my eye doctor. Either my eyesight has gotten worse or my eye muscles just can’t focus on reading anymore. Which is sad. I haven’t been on the computer long, but I have been driving most of the day. That takes a lot of mental energy and focus, especially since I was behind every moron. I think I avoided a minimum of 3 accidents today, one of which shook my father up as the truck on the right lane wanted to come into the middle lane where I was at the time. Bastardo. Then I was talking to myself and my father kept asking what I was saying. He doesn’t get that I talk to myself. And I hate driving with him because he has his own way of getting to where he wants to go. I ignore him and take my route because I am the one driving, not him.
Just got some bad and worse news. One, my cousin’s boyfriend died this week due to a snowboarding accident. To say that she is devastated is beyond measure. The funeral is Monday. I think I will be going to the wake, just to pay my respects. I really hate going to these things. The bad news is that my game on Facebook is shutting down. Last day is April 30th. I am upset over this. Now I will have nothing to fill my time during the day. I don’t know if they will be taking away their Poker game, but then, you can only lose so many times before you get bored with it. I am not a good poker player.
midnightdemons7 