Feeling better today
I woke up early this morning (before 7), made breakfast, and then went back to sleep. I should have made coffee but I didn’t feel like it. I need to start using my half and half before it gets bad. I know one of them is expiring soon. I will make coffee tomorrow as I am not planning on going out. My last two orders of Brazil coffee has not been satisfactory. And besides, I am running low on my Starbucks funds until Wed when I get paid next. I have a little grocery shopping to do. I just hope that I can make the cookies I want to make. Sometimes the depression gets the better of me and I end up doing nothing. My thoughts are a little bit more coherent though I still believe aliens have invaded the militant group.
I think the trilafon at night has been helping me stabilize during the day. I was talking to a good friend today and I told her my thoughts about the militant group, including the alien part. She just “okayed” it and that was the end of the conversation. Just as well. I really didn’t want to ramp up my feelings on the matter.
I think I need to take a shower today but I just don’t have the energy. I just want to sleep. I hate when I wake up early and then go back to sleep. It wrecks the day and sucks whatever energy I had into an abyss. It really sucks because I got nothing done today. I really would like to change the sheets on my bed but it is always a hassle because I have to get the stuff off my bed. Last time it took me close to a week to change the sheets. I kept on getting one or two items off the bed until it was a manageable pile. Then I had to psych up some energy to actually get the sheets off the bed. It never was this difficult when I had a twin size bed. But then, there would be no room to put my stuff on my bed! I don’t even sleep in the middle, I sleep on the left side of the bed and I stay there. But that is the struggle I face. Wrestling with bedding and my “office”.
In a few weeks, I should know if I won the writing contest I entered at the end of last month. I am anxious to know if I won or not. After the winner is announced, I plan on posting it on my blog. It’s a piece about being transgender.
I didn’t go to the wake today. I kept on reading what my cousins were posting on FB and I just started bawling. There would be no way for me to keep my composure knowing my cousin was hurting so much.
Have I mentioned how tired I am? Think it is going to be an early night for me. I really can’t stay awake and it’s only around 1830. Maybe I will have a shower and it will wake me up. But like the bedding, I really don’t feel like showering. I really just want to read “The Idiot” until I pass out. I love Dostoevsky’s writing. It is so similar to my own. Back is aching so I should be lying down soon. I can do that while reading. Myshkin is a wonderful character in the book. I believe it is really the author who is writing his experiences. And I have a similar disposition like the author. He wrote the book while he was in a depression and I am reading it while in a depressive state. And he loves run on sentences. I think that is why his books are so thick. He just kept writing and writing until all the words ran dry.
I don’t have therapy tomorrow. But I am planning on seeing my therapist on Tuesday if I can get my ass up by 0900. I have to take a bus to my sister’s work to borrow her car. I figure I can get a coffee and then make the trip in no time. But it all depends on my energy levels and such. And if I have pain the night before or not. Lately, my pain has been minimal, aside from my back pain. My ankle/foot has been behaving the last few days. Which is curious because I have been more active the last few days and usually when I am active, I am in more pain. I haven’t done more walking than I usually do, just been going out more than I have since the weather has been nicer. Maybe the AFO was causing me more harm than it should have. I haven’t used it since October when I had PT in the next town over. The PT guy said I didn’t need it anymore so I stopped using it. It is curious that the rest has helped heal me. I am not saying I am cured but I have been in less pain since I have stopped working. But, here is the rub: if I don’t pay attention to what I am doing, I will have a flare up. I know my walking distance is 0.4 miles. If I exceed that, I am hurting. Luckily, my sister’s place is around 0.4 miles so I am saved, as long as I don’t walk back to the train station. Then, it is 0.8 miles and I am going to hurt. Once the weather is a bit warmer, I plan on trying to work on an exercise program to increase my walking distance. I will start with walking to the grocery store, which is 0.6 miles twice a week and then slowly increase it. I will just take the bus home so I am not doing 1.2 miles. That will come when I am ready. This is the plan I have in my head and now on my blog. Whether it will come to fruition, only time will tell.
midnightdemons7 