Late night, wicked tired
Last night, despite being tired, I was unable to sleep till almost 0230 in the morning. I had been up almost 24 hours. Hyde came out but I think I removed the damage he might have caused. Though, I haven’t gone through my Twitter account to see if he left any messages there. From what I remember, I went south, fast and furiously. I was suicidal but had no intent on going through with the thoughts. I was just too tired.
I sent an old blog post about body image to my therapist. I wish I didn’t. OMG she just did not shut up the whole session. I don’t remember what it was about, I just tuned her out. She just kept rattling on and on about Teflon shields. I was getting pissed. Then I called her a bitch, which she thought Jack did. She said I can’t be “hitting him” anymore. WTF does that mean?? I never hit anyone, unless it was my sister and I was pissed off at her, but that was when we were kids. Never in my adult life have I hit someone in anger. Maybe in joking around, but that is all. A slap on the hand or a slight punch on the arm, that sort of thing. But I don’t intentionally go around hitting people, for fuck’s sake. And Jack is not someone I can hit. He is too angry and might kill me. So what the hell she was talking about, I have no fucking clue. She also wanted me to talk back to my mother. Yea, that will happen when hell freezes over.
My mood just turned bleak and if I make one more typing error, I am done with this blog. I am so tired I can’t type. Sure I am fixing them, but the errors are making me angry at myself. No, this blog doesn’t have to be perfect but it drives me crazy to misspell something. But getting back to my mood, I am really down. I am going to either listen to the ball game tonight or watch it. I want to at least try and see if I can get into it. But with this sleep deprivation, I might not last. All ready I want to sleep. I went to my father’s and I was hoping to snooze on the bus but that didn’t happen. I did have coffee today, so that is helping me to keep toothpicks in my eyes.
I have decided that I am just going to eat protein bars today. I have NO energy to cook anything. If my mother makes something tonight, I will eat it. I think she is making pizza as I saw dough thawing on the kitchen counter. That will be good. Last night I overate. I had a cheeseburger and then some stuffed chicken. My stomach couldn’t handle all the food, which is part of the reason I stayed up so late. I felt so sick.
I told my therapist, again, that I am only going to be around for a few more months. She still has not read her goodbye letter because of the anxiety it is causing her. I understand that. I told her she could read my story. Maybe that might be better. As I think I mentioned to Twitter last night, I just am never going to be accepted by society as a male. Hell, not even my own mother can accept that. And that is why things must end. I am not going to live or start another decade living like this, though I really have no idea what “living” really means. My therapist also knows that I have a date though she doesn’t know the specifics and she is not going to. I am not changing my mind this time. I have to do this. I just have to die. I am tired of struggling all the time. I am a man of my word and this is what I have to do.
Last night I wrote my psychiatrist her note. It was exhausting, to say the least. How can you say goodbye to someone you have known for over 20 years. It was the most difficult thing I had to do. I expected it to be longer but I think a page and a half is good enough. I kept telling her to seek help after my death. I hope she does. I also hope my therapist does, too. There are a lot more support networks for clinicians who lose their clients to suicide. I also told my psychiatrist that she isn’t a failure. She tried more than anyone to keep me here. And thinking about leaving her is the hardest thing that I have to do but I need to stay the course with this plan. I don’t want to turn 40. I don’t want to write another book. I just want my ashes to be spread over Chelsea Creek.
midnightdemons7 