Good day turned bad
Warning, might be triggering or gross
I am still trying to be positive as today was a good day but on the way home, I leaked more than I have in the past, got bladder spasms while peeing, and my ankle has decided to throb with severe intensity. It’s very difficult to not slink down into a bad mood when the nerve condition you sometimes forget you have, slaps you in the face as a reminder your nerves are fucked. One of the people in my support group saw a neurosurgeon who “blew her off” when she asked him repeatedly what to do about the CES. He told her that once you get a stroke, you still have a stroke. That is the best way to put it. She got offended and it kind of pissed me off because he was right. I don’t know why she got mad because he was telling her the truth. Whatever you recovered in the first two years is what you are going to recover. Anything more than that after a two year anniversary is a bonus. If I didn’t get CES the second time, I think I would have been ok and not have the bladder problems I have currently or the ankle problem or the bowel problem. I think I am getting sensation in my rectum again and that is why it is hurting when I poop, even if the stool is soft. But my having bladder spasms is unusual as I wasn’t that full. I had emptied my bladder while at the doctor’s office. I didn’t have spasms then and I didn’t drink that much water on the way home. I might have had four ounces total. I just don’t get it. I know I should have a urodynamic test done but I am too scared to go on my own. And I don’t have a good friend to go with me because they are all male. I could ask my sister to come but that will open up a lot of questions and I really don’t want to answer them.
If you are just tuning in and wondering what the hell CES is, it is Cauda Equina Syndrome. It occurs when you have trauma to the horsetail part of the nerves from your back. You can Google it if you want more information or go to http://www.caudaequina.org.
My doctor’s appointment went well. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I was suicidal. Course I don’t feel that way today, which is why I answered no. As I was making the follow up appointments for my pain management, I realized that today would be the last day I see him, unless this bladder thing turns into an infection. He didn’t go off about my weight as I was down two pounds since the last appointment. I hope I can keep that up. But why bother, if I am just going to die in a few months time. My therapist still thinks that I am going to pull out of this. She said that I don’t know how many times yesterday. But I really don’t see the point as I can’t struggle anymore with this stuff. I am tired of fighting all the time. It is exhausting to be in pain all the time, to change my underwear constantly, to shower because I pooped myself. It just isn’t the way I want to live. And no one understand that more than a fellow CES sufferer. I would get support through the group but they have been annoying me lately, least the one on Facebook is. Facebook has been really annoying me lately. I think after my game ends at the end of the month, I am going Facebook free for a while and just be on Twitter. I have no idea what my Facebook feed is going to look like without my game requests. If it’s anything like my mobile feed, it’s going to get old very quickly.
I didn’t have therapy today. I kind of wish I did. Though at this point, it’s just checking in, least that what it feels like. I still don’t get the point in talking to her. I know we are never going to go over the blog that I wrote about the reasons for dying. She just doesn’t inquire, though she will ask about other assessments. I think her anxiety of losing me is just getting in the way of talking about how I really feel. Lately, I have been telling her but feel like it’s going in one ear and out the other. Hopefully, tomorrow we will “talk”.
midnightdemons7 