Sunday Blog 4

Sunday Blog 4

I had a crappy night sleeping again. I woke up around midnight and didn’t go back to sleep till around 4. I hated it. Then my phone decided it was going to beep every few minutes after nine. It was stupid text messages from the T saying that this and that bus was running late. I don’t fucking care. I am not using the system today! But there is no way to stop the messages from coming in, unless you totally want to stop the service. And I don’t want that because I need to know if my bus or train is delayed when I need to use it.

Since getting up late, I have been doing nothing but eating. I had some pop tarts for breakfast and then I had a steak for lunch, two hours later. I haven’t eaten anything heavy, just some cookies and pasta salad but I feel empty. I don’t know if it’s emotional eating or what, but I hate it. The steak I had was a decent size piece. And I ate it all. It was very good. Now my brother in law is calling asking if I want some of his pork. I declined, politely.

I didn’t think I was going to blog today because I am so sleepy. Sundays are really my down days because I don’t usually have anything planned. I filled my med box for the week. I also got my Otterbox but can’t figure out how to get the sucker open to put my phone in it. It is really annoying me. I think I got the sucker on right. It is the right case and the buttons work so I am happy. Now I can relax on dropping my phone, accidently of course.

I realized last night that I never finished the review of the psychache scale that I started. I guess I really dropped the ball on it because I even forgot what the name of the document is called. I don’t know when I will get back to it.

Yesterday, I put up some lyrics about how I was feeling at the moment. The song was by Blake Shelton and the song was called “Don’t make me”. One of the lines was something like “If I am gone, I’m gone that’s that”. I normally write these on Twitter because I don’t get any back lash. Instead I wrote it on Facebook and OMG the responses were so serious. Fucking A. It was like I was writing a goodbye note or something. I hate it when people don’t get lyrics. Course, no one listens to the music I listen to, so it’s no wonder they are clueless. Just pisses me off when I have to explain things.

It’s like when my psychiatrist wanted me to write some code about my midnight writings to her. She felt that might help ease her anxiety about my darkness. But honestly, I am never aware of what I am writing in that state of mind. I am most of the time in a dissociated state. And really wonder if it really happened when I wake up the next day. There is no way I can put in a code word because I am not “with it” to do it. I know that she would like that but I am not there. And now I have to keep my phone on in case she does call me when she reads my writings. I hardly shut it off anyways, but it would be nice to shut it off once in a while. Like this morning so I wasn’t interrupted with text messages! There is a “blocking” feature on my phone but I am not sure how it works. I can set it up, in theory, to let only certain people call. I probably need a tutorial on it from the Sprint store so I don’t mess it up. It would suck if I blocked the wrong people, like my psychiatrist or therapist!

Ankle has been hurting today so I have not been in the best of moods. I am so tired of dealing with pain all the time. Normally, I can handle it. But when my sleep is off, I am more sensitive to it and it messes with my mood. It’s just another thing that I just can’t handle. It’s just an annoying kind of pain today, nothing that I haven’t experienced before. It is just annoying the crap out of me because I haven’t done anything to really warrant it hurting me. I have been sleeping most of the day so I don’t understand what its problem is.

My therapist still wants me to see her. I am going to try and take my sister’s car Tuesday after my father’s doc appointment and go to her office. It all depends on if my sister needs the car or not. I am hoping not.