My doctor’s office finally got back to me about their error in sending my meds to the wrong place. However, I received my meds today in the mail. Least I will have the prescription at Walgreens when I will need it next month. So although I missed the morning dose (mail came later than two in the afternoon), I will at least have the evening dose. I will check my blood pressure just to make sure it is within the normal limits as I am sure the stress of dealing with this has elevated it a little bit.
I have been sleepy all day because I am in a hot house. I am watching my niece and although there is a cool breeze now and then, it is not enough to cool down the kitchen. It’s 80 degrees out. I would love to be in my AC’d room right now. Though it might be stuffy because I shut the AC off. No use in wasting energy when I am not there. I hope I don’t have to cook for my niece. I hate cooking anything in the heat. I would have to shut off the ceiling fan and it’s providing the air circulation that I need to be a little cooler.
I might take a shower tonight because I feel kind of gross. I had taken a shower yesterday but in this heat, you kind of need one regularly, sometimes twice a day. I am dreading it because showers tend to make me more tired than refreshed. I will try and take one after the game. Game started early today, which I am grateful. Now I can take my meds on time and fall asleep earlier, I hope!
I have been reading most of the day, a most boring book called “Brilliant Blunders”. It was interesting when I knew the material they were talking about but now he is talking about astrophysics and I don’t have a clue what he means. Even his explanations are pages long. I got the book because I thought it was interesting, but the part I am reading is not. I hope it gets better or I am just going to stop reading it.
I don’t know if I said this in a previous blog or not, but the article I was reading on the terminology of suicide was not the article that has the “right” terms. I read the conclusion and it said to turn to part 2 to find what they have decided on. I am so pissed I spent two days highlighting and thinking about the damn article only to find it wasn’t correct. I have been thinking of using is as background information, like this article says, if I read that damn title. It reiterated the article written in 1996 by O’Carroll et al. So when I finish reading part 2, which should be sometime tomorrow, I will report my findings and interpretations.
I talked with my therapist today. Before session ended, she asked me about my writing, again. She really wants me to write about the delusions from my teen years. But I can’t without the risk of it being a trigger. I fear I might get sucked into that world again and might not come back out of it. I barely managed to escape. I always questioned whether I gave into the voices the night I was traumatized beyond my wildest dreams, if I would have become schizophrenic or perhaps schizoaffective. I was 15 when this all happened so who knows how it would have played out. I had deflected the conversation by asking her if she checked her mail. I had sent her two letters last week, one was sentimental. The other was a bunch of questions that I feel were relevant to our relationship. I wrote that letter in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep and songs on the radio made me question our therapy.
I wasn’t in a very private place where we could talk as I didn’t want my niece to hear our conversation so kept it to minimal stuff. She would ask the hard questions of where my suicidality was and I would answer with a yes or a no. We did get into an animated discussion about the paper that pissed me off. I hope that my niece didn’t hear the terms I was saying. She is 10 so may or may not understand them, if she did hear me. She will be going on vacation next week. That so sucks because she just came back. She still has not read half of the packets I sent her from her last vacation. I probably won’t write to her this vacation. It’s only a week she will be away, this time. I expect the next time she is off will be the holidays.
midnightdemons7 