Nerves

Nerves

I sent a copy of my blog to a friend of mine for her input. She said that it was good, though she didn’t know what else to say about it. That made me feel a little bit better about using this as a template for editing, though I don’t know how much editing I am really going to be doing. I am really nervous about this class. I wish I knew something more about the class as the email the teacher sent us was not entirely straightforward. I know my perfectionism is getting the better of me and that is what is driving up the anxiety.

Only thing I did today was go to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. They finally filled it and I am grateful I didn’t have to file a complaint. I was going to get a haircut and go to the post office but I woke up really tired. I just had some coffee to try and wake up. I hope this side effect of the medication wears off soon. I can’t stand being like this, where all I want to do is sleep. In addition to getting my prescription, I got some chocolate because I haven’t had any in a long time. I got Hershey’s Special Dark and Reese’s dark peanut butter cups. I love dark chocolate, but not too dark. I stop at 68%. Any more than that and it’s too bitter.

My mother made bacon so I made eggs and put it all in a burrito for breakfast. Now I am full after I had my coffee. I don’t know when I will have lunch. I think I will make steak for supper. I have to make it before it goes bad. I am hoping the coffee doesn’t cause me to go hyper. Course, right now, I feel like I could nod off and sleep for a couple of hours. Game is on at 1600 today. I am getting a little depressed as there is only four weeks left of baseball, well of Red Sox baseball anyways. It’s going to be sad because one of the announcers on NESN has been fired. He was one of my favorites. Now they will be having another guy doing the 2016 games. My other favorite guy, Remy, will only be doing 40 home games. It is going to suck big time. I have no idea who is going to do the radio show with Joe Castiglione. His partner Dave is going to NESN. I hope it’s not going to be Merloni. I can’t stand him. He makes a boring analysis of baseball. And his voice is kind of like a rude know it all. I am just very sad that things are changing. I knew there would be changes to the Sox as they have a new CEO, but I wasn’t expecting changes in the broadcasting booths.

Last night I was going through some blogs looking for some that had a story of a good depressing tale. I found one but it was short, less than 500 words. I apparently wrote it while I was dissociating. It was a good piece of writing and I hope I can stretch it out. I really need to start working on my book because 2016 is going to be here before I know it and I would like to publish this book sometime during that year. But I haven’t been in a depressed writing mood since the hypos have taken over. I have felt “well”, which is not something that I feel often. In fact, I hardly feel that way ever, which is why I am so scared when I crash. I am so afraid of falling deep in the abyss and never coming out. But the longer I don’t feel a crash, the more I am nervous. It’s like waiting for the other shoe to drop and you have no idea when it is going to happen. I wish it would happen sooner rather than later, just so I am prepared. Both of my treatment team knows I have been hypo for quite a long period of time. I think they both are waiting as well for me to crash. It would be nice to think that adding the mood stabilizer in the morning will prevent it but I doubt it. I spent three weeks in the hospital last year taking it twice a day and I still crashed by mid-September. It lasted for a long while, until Feb when I was hypo again for a few days. I wonder if you can feel really exhausted being hypo because right now I am looking at my pillow and it is calling my name. I really want to take another nap so bad. But I am afraid that if I do, I won’t sleep tonight or I will be up really late like I was last night. I also got the late night hungry horrors, where I was wicked hungry. It was like I didn’t eat anything at all, all day. I wish I bought rice so I could have had it with my steak. I was really craving carbs so I had a tortilla wrap and a nutri grain bar at like 0100.