hindsight

I decided not to go out to day. By the time I thought about it, I would have to rush to catch the bus and I didn’t feel like rushing. I might go to Walgreens later to get a card for my Godmother, whose birthday is next week. I also want to get the fricken snacks I have been craving. The last time I went to Walgreens, they were out of them.

I had therapy today and I shared my thoughts about this paper that I want to write. It’s something I started before we had our little disagreement. But now that I know that she isn’t going anywhere, I think I can go back to it. I might work on it today, while I figure out what to do with myself now that I am not going to the Square. Tomorrow I need to go out to my father’s. I saw him last night and he was his typical self, watching what everyone was doing. I didn’t have too much interaction with him. He really aggravates the fuck out of me, just seeing him fills me with disgust. I talked about it in therapy today. She was telling me that it’s because of his narcissism that I feel this way. He is just an asshole in my book.

I’m feel really down today. I had a cup of tea to warm me up as well as a comfort. I really love a good cup of tea. I didn’t feel like making coffee because I thought I would be going out today. But I think my bowels have other plans for me today. I feel like I got the runs brewing. I might have to cut back on the senna. It’s always a balancing act. Drives me nuts. I didn’t talk about the depression with my therapist. Sometimes, I just don’t feel like talking about it. We were talking more about my frustrated needs and how to apply them that I really didn’t want to bring it up.

We talked some more about an adjunctive therapist. But I think it’s just talk. I really don’t see it going anywhere. It would be a dream to see my twitter doc as I really like him and I think we would be a perfect fit. But he has a dog and I am not a dog person, though the dog mostly sleeps. Least that is the impression I get from all the pics he posts of her.

I checked the status of my baby (laptop). It is being repaired so I should get it sometime next week, if they don’t have to order parts. I am getting used to the laptop I am using but I like my lighter laptop better.

I just realized I am wearing scrubs for PJs. Score, I don’t have to change to go out! I will just go to Walgreens. It’s warm today so I will just wear a T-shirt. I hope they have my snacks in stock or I will be disappointed.

I haven’t been feeling suicidal the past few days. I think the increase in trileptal (mood stabilizer) at night has some protective factors. I wish it would help with my damn sleep though. I woke up at fucking 0500. I was able to get back to sleep but come on. I hate waking up early because the day just drags. Even when I read my book, it takes me a few minutes to go through a chapter because they are not really long. They are about ten pages or less. And it is easy reading, so that helps. What bothers me about this book is that the tragedy could have been avoided had the British Navy interceded the damn Lusitania and escorted her to her port. There were warnings before the ship set sailed the Germans wanted to sink the ship. HELLO?? But I guess hindsight is 20/20, after the fact. Just like the Titanic being in full steam during iceberg season.