Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

be gentle with yourself

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Be gentle with yourself

I finished Cry of Pain and the last page of the book had me awed. It delivered a message of hope to those who are trapped. The next to last line was basically saying to be gentle with yourself. I have read hundreds of self-help and psychology books but none had delivered this kind of message. I found it soothing.

I had a hard time waking up today. My med alarm went off and I just laid there. An hour later I had to pee so I took my meds before going to the bathroom. I didn’t feel like facing the day so went back up to my room and went back to bed. I slept until 1pm. I was hungry and was craving pancakes. I had to pee again so I got up though I really didn’t want to. I used the bathroom and then made some coffee and heated up some pancakes.

I came back to my room after I ate and wondered what to do. I had to shower and I still haven’t done so. It is warm in my room and I am sweating. It is 63 degrees out today. I am glad it didn’t rain like it was supposed to. The snow off the back porch has melted. I hope that is the last of the snow for the season. I finished reading the book and now I am tempted to start a new one but am hesitant to do so for some reason. The book, Brief CBT for suicide prevention, is dense and has a lot of stuff in it. I am sure it will be useful for therapy. I just don’t know if I want to dive into another suicide book. This will be the 3rd in a row that I have read. I still kind of wish I could go to Starbucks and read there to break up the monotony of reading in my room.

I wish I could say that even though the Cry of Pain gave me some kind of hope at the end, I still am quasi suicidal. I have been thinking of ways to possibly live with the possibility of the surgeon denying my top surgery. I could just go on. I don’t think I can though. Not this time. This has to do with my body and how I feel about it and I just can’t go on with the things on my chest. I am trapped in my body and I have nowhere to go. I can’t be “me”. And I don’t think I can live with that. It is too painful.

Saturday Blog 05032022

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 05032022

My mother made blueberry muffins so my room smells fruity. I slept for more than 20 hours and I still feel tired. My sore arm has been bothering me all day. It woke me up briefly during the night so I just moved it. I didn’t want to get up. I had drank a lot of water and had a coffee before sleeping. By 1am I had to go pee. It was the only time I got up. I also took my meds as I didn’t take them. I woke up today and I had to go to the bathroom really bad. My mother stepped into the bathroom and it was all I needed to have an accident. I pooped my pants. I didn’t even feel it as I just saw the mess when I took my pants down. I was not happy. I need to take a shower but I am in too much pain with my arm.

I have to brush my teeth today. It has been three days since I last did so. I lost my streak. I have just been so depressed. I had sent a message to my psychiatrist that my depression is worse. I also told him about my weight loss struggles. He said that he would do some med change at next appointment. I see him in a few weeks, the same week I see my TG doc. Ironically, I see him on my father’s birthday. March is a very heavy anniversary month. I first attempted suicide 31 years ago today. Monday will be the first time I entered therapy where I lied my ass off saying I wasn’t suicidal. I didn’t want to be in “trouble”. They dismissed me and didn’t offer any other therapy. I didn’t want therapy but the school nurse convinced me to see the school counselor.

I wanted to make turkey bacon for dinner but I don’t feel like cooking so I just spent my last twenty bucks on McD’s. I have had a shitty day so I need comfort food. Arm is still sore so with my 4PM meds I took a pain med. I don’t know why my bicep hurts. I see PT on Tues.

While I was reading Cry of Pain the other day, I came across a term called “brief affective reaction” which got me thinking about “acute suicidal affective disturbance”. It is something I texted my therapist about and will talk to her about on Mon when I see her. I don’t think she has heard of it before and I wish I could send her the PDF but I can’t. I can only send pics through the patient web thing. I found the PDF that highlights the disturbance. I will share the screen when I talk to her on Zoom on Mon. I have added the picture here if you want to look at what constitutes as criteria. It isn’t a good pic as I took the pic of my laptop screen. I tried to screenshot the page but I don’t know how to do it.

My sleepy hour has approached. I am so tired. I think the uro meds causes some of the drowsiness I feel but I can’t say for sure. I hope I can sleep tonight without pain. I will take a BT med before I lay down. Sometimes that helps to ease the pain a little bit so I can get to sleep.

Lazy Friday on a cold day

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression
Brown bulldog puppy yawning

I had a rough night. I woke up with my throat burning from acid in my stomach. It wasn’t until I took some Mylanta that the pain settled down and I was able to swallow without it hurting so much. All I had was avocado toast and buttermilk pancakes. I didn’t have coffee today but had a mocha latte thing that I bought. It was pretty good and it the sweet spot.

I slept all morning. I shut my ringer off and slept better. My mother called me just as I was waking up. She wanted me to put some cream on her back as it was hurting. It is a hemp cream. She has been doing laundry all morning. The washing machine is pretty steep so even I had trouble getting clothes out of it. I folded towels for her.

I am so tired. Not really doing anything today. Going to read my book. Have 4 chapters left so I could finish it this weekend if I put some time in it. I read a dull chapter about memories and it was a real struggle to keep reading it. Just was saying the same thing but in different ways.

I had a spinach salad for lunch. Also had some fig newtons. One of my favorite kinds of cookies. My mother’s too. She had already opened the package. Debating on taking a nap. Chicken is in the fridge so looks like my mother is going to make it for dinner. I don’t feel like cooking. I had ordered Brie with my groceries and it wasn’t delivered. I was really looking forward to a turkey wrap with it. I have to go to the grocery store next week to get half and half so will pick some up when I go.

Therapy and Twitter gone to shit

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I honestly don’t know how to take my therapy anymore. I am so very suicidal and my therapist is not being helpful. frankly I just want to be done with it as I just am going to die anyways so why the fuck bother. as I am suicidologist I am trying to do the work outside of therapy to find some hope that I can hang on to. and also to share things with my therapist so she can try and help me. it is just overwhelming me because I know how to get out of this but my therapist doesn’t and no pun intended, it is killing me. why pay for therapy if I am just going to do it on my own anyways. what is the point of it all. I just don’t see it.

 

A bill was passed in Iowa today banning female trans kids from performing in sports. A Florida high school kid got suspended indefinitely because he handed out pride flags at a protest for the “don’t say Gay” ban. And parents are being hunted down for affirming their transgender child. I can’t take it anymore so I am off Twitter for the night. I will read my book. I’d like to finish it by this weekend anyway and start the Brief CBT book I just bought.

 

I didn’t sleep well again last night. I woke up around midnight in pain and found it difficult to sleep. I was up every 3 hours or so. Was a really bad night.