Category: depression

Think I am getting sick

My nose has been running and I have been sneezing most of the day. I hope I am not getting sick. I went to the grocery store today with my sister who is recovering from Covid. It has been the first time I have seen her in over a week.

I got a message from UMB IT department about my name change in one of the systems. They said I had to have the name in one of the other system as this system feeds into it. My name was already changed in that system so obviously, something needs to be done. I am kind of freaking out because my online class starts Friday.

I have been feeling depressed on and off all day. It isn’t grief or sadness. Just a low level mood. I want to sleep but I just can’t. My mind keeps going on and on about things. I woke up like a few times during the night but was able to get back to sleep. I slept until my med alarm woke me up. I didn’t get up right away. I got up when my cousin called to cancel taking me to the grocery store. He wasn’t feeling good. My mood sucks. I don’t feel suicidal. I don’t feel that low. I just am worried that I am going to be ok for classes for the first few weeks and then I will ease off because the depression will get worse. I started reading the second textbook for my online class. Not an easy read as it is about sex work in Paraguay. I probably will start reading a chapter a day. But depression interferes with my concentration. Sometimes I just can’t focus.

I am growing out my hair. I want to take some off the top but am scared to do it myself as I am as close as I would like to be. I want the top to be a little longer so I have some bangs. I stopped shaving a couple of days ago. It should all be grown in by the end of the month. My hair grows fast.

Rough day

I have been up since 5. I did three loads of laundry. The 3^rd load, I forgot to hit start so an hour later when I went downstairs, I thought the wash was done. It wasn’t. ugh. I had three cups of coffee. I was planning on making a fourth cup before therapy but time got away from me. I had woken up with my chest muscles hurting me so fricken bad. I took methocarbamol. I wanted to take at least three doses but I didn’t put the time in my app or even make note of the time. So I just had two doses. Might have a third dose if I am up. I just took my meds so I hope to be sleeping soon.

I honestly need a new therapist but I am too scared to find someone else. I don’t want to expose myself to rejection. Today she said that she basically washed her hands of telling me about coping skills because I have rejected what she said earlier in therapy. She also thinks my dreams and headaches are psychological. I don’t understand how they could be as I can’t control what I dream about. Most of the time, the dreams don’t make sense when I wake up. Like I dreamt I was on the Enterprise with the Picard crew. Another time, I had a conversation with my mother but I don’t remember what we talked about. I have noticed that if I am in the actual dream rather than “watching” what I am dreaming about, I get headaches more often than not. She also wants me to be a self-initiator. I felt like logging off when she said that. She got me so mad.

I am so tired. My pcp got back to me over some concerns I had with urination, stomach ache, and my blood pressure being high the last week or so. She ordered some urine and blood tests. I might go tomorrow after I go grocery shopping. I am going to bring a cath with me in case I can’t go. It has taken a lot of fluid in order to go, some times it is hours after I drink something. I have nearly drank a liter of water and I still don’t have the urge to pee. I also been feeling dizzy but when I take my blood pressure, it is high, not low. I miss drinking my powerades. Sometimes I just need the sugar rush. Drinking plain water sucks.

I’ve been up since 5am. I woke up in pain. I took some meds and wasn’t really tired to get back to sleep. I worked on my book and finished it. Now I just need to pay the editor so I can get it published. I’m glad I finished it before classes started otherwise I might not have had time to work on it.

I’ve had three cups of coffee today. I tried taking a nap but my stomach has been bothering me. Feels like someone is punching me in the stomach. I don’t know why I’ve been having so much pain lately. I thought it was the iron pills but I guess not. I’m scared to see my pcp about it. I just don’t want invasive tests to sort it out. I’m not nauseous or vomiting so I am not too concerned.

My sister made chili so I had that for supper. It was good. She is also making braised short ribs. The sauce is good.

I wanted to finish the book I’ve been reading but the new sleeping pill works in like a half hour so I haven’t been able to finish it. It’s a long chapter. I hope to finish it before bed tonight. Which reminds me, I haven’t done my med boxes yet. I should do that now so I don’t forget again.

Saturday Blog 13012024

I took the trazodone last night. I started reading and within half an hour, I had to call it a night. I had a good sleep but I still woke up a few times during the night. My med alarm went off and I couldn’t get up to take my meds right away. I did about an hour and a half later. Then I went back to sleep for a couple of hours. I got up around 1pm. My phone needed an update so after my first cup of coffee, I installed it. I made a burger and another cup of coffee. The burger was so damn yummy. I plan on making another burger in about an hour. I have to use the meat before it goes bad.

I went up to my room as I planned on taking a shower. As I was ready to head to the bathroom, my aunt called me. We talked for a few minutes. I told her I was going back to college to finish my degree. She was happy for me. I have been wanting to talk to her as it has been a while but she reminds me so much of my mother that I had a hard time initiating the call. I am glad she called me.

I shaved and showered. I got razor burn on my head so showering was painful. I had to sit to wash up as my back was cramping up. For some reason my legs are hurting today. Soon after I came back to my room, it downpoured. We had so much rain this week. I rather have rain than snow though. I noticed while I was drying off that my left nipple looks like it fell off. It is smaller than the right one. Nothing I can do about it. My surgeon’s office won’t be open till Tuesday.

I feel better now that I showered. I was feeling like shit. I don’t know if I am getting a headache or not. I need to finish the chapter I started last night. Then I can move on to the other book in my Anthro class. If I finish the book tonight, I will start the other book tomorrow. I hope I don’t have to get the 3^rd edition of my psych class book. I kept the shrinkwrap on it because if I do, I will return it. Or sell it.

I have been feeling sad and depressed on and off all day. I am in pain. My ribs are hurting me for whatever reason. I am missing my mother. It is so hard to not think about her. When I am not thinking about her, I am dreaming about her. Grief is so complicated. I have been listening to music to cope. It really has helped. I took a Robaxin for my ribs. It helps but I got to take it around the clock for a couple of days for it to be effective.