Category: depression

In a grumpy mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CRPS, depression, grief, mental disorders, mood disorders, recurrent major depressive disorder, transgender

I’m in the hospital. I’ve been here since Thursday. The depression and grief were just so overwhelming that I didn’t want to live anymore. So before things progressed to a bad place, I got evaluated. Sleep has been an issue so we are working on that while I am here.

I had a difficult night sleeping. For some reason dreams hurt my head and give me severe headaches. Not fun waking up to them. My foot also flared up (CRPS) around 0530 so I had to take pain meds. Then I was pretty much up and didn’t go back to sleep. My BP and heart rate were up this morning. I’m not surprised. I have been working with a friendly LGBTQ nurse the past few days. She had to give me my T shot today and they ordered it for the glut muscle. She was good. The only thing that hurt was the pinch of the needle.

I’ve had three cups of coffee today, all caffeinated. Has not helped my headache. Hoping tylenol will. I have been using diclofenac gel for my knees and it has helped so much. I haven’t been doing stairs so still not sure if that is a problem for me. At home, stairs would hurt my knees going down. Going up, not so much. I do stairs a lot when home because my room is above the living area.

I hope to be going out today for some fresh air. One of the MHS’s will be taking me. Depending on how well she knows the hospital, I might give some history. I did the last time I went out. It was cool for me to speak about it. When I leave, I want to take some pics of the current construction so I can remember how the Bulfinch is right now. I love that building so much. It was built by my favorite architect, Charles Bulfinch. He has a place in Rockport that I really would love to see. The place is I think 1.5 miles from the commuter rail stop, which is too far for me to walk right now. I might take an Uber if I go this summer.

I went to a webinar yesterday. CAMS care hosted Dr. Thomas Joiner and his theory of Interpersonal Theory of Suicide. It was very interesting. I learned a lot and got my wheels turning. I might write about his theory in a future blog. He is coming out with a new book in Jan/Feb and I can’t wait to read it.

There is another pt here who is trans. I am glad I got to meet them. I hope we can stay friends after the hospital.

I am tired. I hope today goes OK. Also hope this fog I am in dissipates. I am going to try sumatriptan to see if it helps this headache. Could be migraine activity as it has gone on for a few days now. I just feel shitty. I went outside and it is nice out. Hot but a dry heat. Not too humid.

Giraffe pic

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression
Baby and adult giraffe

Hey readers, I am currently inpatient in the hospital on a psych ward. Trying to get my sleep better so I can go home.

up in the middle of the night

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Up in the middle of the night

Midnight demon has returned. I have been writing in the middle of the night again. I wrote a few pages in my memoir and am up to just over 9,000 words. I am happy about this. I want this to be at least 200 page book and I am only up to 62 so I have a ways to go.

I have been reading What’s the T? and it is all interesting. I really am enjoying the book. The author said that she found her husband on Tinder so I am going to have a look at it one day. I haven’t had much luck trying to find someone. I have an idea of who I want but not sure she is out there.

I am glad I found my writing “time” again. I was really struggling during the afternoon/evening hours. Now if only I can think straight and can answer the question how did you survive until now? It is such a deep question. I have to think about how I want to answer it.

The second question is what have you done to manage your problems in the past? I have mostly done distraction and listening to music. I have also spent time writing introspectively about what it is that is bothering me. I haven’t been able to do this in a long time because of the whatever trauma I put myself through when I overdosed. I still have some memory problems and some cognitive deficits.

The house is quiet. Everyone is at work. I did the dishes and emptied the dishwasher. I had two cups of coffee. I miss my mother. The house just feels like something is missing. It’s not the same without her. I feel so sad. I keep thinking I need the hospital but I am not sure what the hospital will do for me other than keep me safe from myself. Deep in grief today. Hurting. Paralyzed to do something. Just feel so depressed and don’t know what to do about it or who to talk to. Do I go to the hospital or sit in the ED for hours? Do I just sit with it? Let it pass?

My therapist is on vacation. I just sent a message to one of the grief therapists in the group. She encouraged me to go to the ED for an eval. I will go tomorrow. I will bring a bag with me so in case I get hospitalized I don’t have to worry about clothes and such.