Sunday blog 27062021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

I changed my sheets today. It was a very hot day today so I tried to just stay in my room. I told my mother I would cook dinner and I nearly melted from the heat. She liked what I cooked. I made lemon chicken, rice and zucchini. I didn’t eat it because I was full off the Chinese food I had for lunch.

For some reason my jaw and ear hurt. The muscles around there are really tight. I’ve tried to massage it but can’t get the right spot. I’ve been taking zanaflex to try and loosen up the muscles but it hasn’t worked.

I listened to the ball game in its entirety. Eddie was phenomenal. He got his first win since May. I am so happy for him. We swept the Skanks. It was a good game.

Saturday Blog 26062021

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Saturday Blog 26062021

My new AC has arrived. I am waiting for my brother in law to put it in. The one I have is old and only works on one setting, low. It has served me well over 10 years so time to upgrade. I think the one I have is a “smart” one so I can have the settings on my phone. That would be great when I am coming home I can turn it on and cool the room off.  I’ve made a path in my room for my brother in law to work with. I just hope it is big enough.

I had coffee and quiche for breakfast. I think I am going to have a black bean burger for lunch/dinner. I’ll have it with my new bread that I bought that is flourless. It has whole grains and lentils in it. Just hope I like it. It is going to be hot this weekend. Tomorrow is supposed to be 97. I might make iced coffee tomorrow.

Last night I watched one of my favorite Red Sox players retire and enter the HOF. A lot of former Red Sox came and it was good to see them again. Mike Lowell hasn’t aged and is still handsome as ever. He is my all-time favorite third baseman. No one could hold the corners like him and Youkilis. They were amazing and fun to watch. I wish I could watch the games but listening to the radio has been fun too.

I’ve been trying to clear my bed off but I get so overwhelmed with what to do with the stuff I just clear a little off and then have to rest my back because it flares up. I took down a bag of recycling today and I was so out of breath on the way back up the stairs. My PT has said that the breath part of Covid is the last to go away. I am feeling my energy come back slowly but when I do stuff the next day has to be a rest day still because I get so damn tired. If I don’t rest, the next day is even harder to stay awake, no matter how much coffee I drink.

I done what I could to clear off my bed but my back is still not cooperating with me and hurts really bad. I am going to quit now before I hurt more or injure myself. I put most of my clothes away so that was good. Also got rid of the mail that had accumulated in the corner. What I didn’t finish today will be done tomorrow. I am hurting too much right now to finish.

pain and being so fucking tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Pain and being so fucking tired

Past few days I have been totally wiped out. I don’t know why but all I want to do is sleep. My pain has been up and down. Today has been the first day in a week that I don’t have a headache. It’s another cool but humid day. I went to the post office to mail my book for a friend. He wanted a signed copy and I was happy to oblige. I then went to the hospital to give another urine sample. Uro wants to make sure I don’t have an infection that is causing my urethral pain. I am glad that I had the appointment with the NP because I needed more catheters. The specimen I did today had to be a cathed specimen.

While I was out, I put some more money on my T pass. I haven’t been buying the monthly passes because I mostly have been going out once a week for PT and for that I usually take the bus. Most of the time when I am out I am taking buses more than the train. It isn’t worth buying a monthly pass because I am just not using the T that often.

Before I left the hospital, I ordered some pad Thai from my favorite Thai restaurant that is near the hosp. It is still the best pad Thai in Boston. I ate it on my porch when I came home. It was nice eating outside for once.

I have been so tired. I was supposed to have a zoom call with my cousins and I slept through it. One of my cousins got worried because it wasn’t like me to miss a zoom call I set up! It woke me up and my sister was worried. I just had my phone off so didn’t hear anything and just slept through the afternoon after my therapy session.

Therapy went ok. We talked about my suicidality. She said that I need to make joy in my life. That is something I never thought of before. I made a slideshow of all the kitten and puppy pics but stopped at 30 because it was getting so big. I have a lot of pictures that I have “stolen” from Twitter and facebook. I also put in pics of giraffes that I have because I love giraffes. They are the most graceful animals I think. I was very sad when I found out April had to be euthanized because of arthritis. Poor girl was in a lot of pain and she was old in giraffe age of like 27 or 28. I forget but it was a long time for a giraffe.

My therapist said that she can’t do anything about my suicidality and I swear I just wanted to die right there. Like WTF are you serious? I feel more hopeless when she says this. I told her I had a plan and was going to go through with it. Now I can’t help but wonder if I will actually end up going through with it or not. I just feel like no one can help me with this. I don’t know why I am bothering with therapy. I am feeling really frustrated over this.