midnightdemons7

grumpy day turns ok

Wed,23 Jun,2021, 18:57 by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Grumpy day turns ok

I woke up around 1am to pee and had a difficult time getting back to sleep. I contemplated staying up but by 5 I was hungry so ordered food. The Uber driver didn’t text me so the food was cold by the time I woke up at 6. He didn’t get a tip. I ate and then went to sleep until my med alarm went off. I dozed a little too long so I couldn’t have coffee. I was not happy. My mother said good morning to me when she saw me and I got grumpier. I drank half of the coffee I made before having to leave to catch the bus so I could get my haircut. I was supposed to go to the post office and to the grocery store so I could get some more Gatorade but I was too sleepy to remember these things. I will go to the post office tomorrow. I ordered my groceries so my Gatorade will be delivered in the morning.

I was in a better mood when I got to my barber. He cut my hair like he always does. I love it. I usually get the same cut each time I see him. I contemplated going to get my passport picture done but I didn’t like the shirt I was wearing and want to wear a button down. I’ll probably get it done on Friday. That is the only thing that I need to have done other than to make an appointment to get my stuff processed.

After my haircut, I went to Starbucks for my macchiato and a sandwich. As I was returning to the station, the bus left. I had to wait twenty minutes for the next one which gave me time to eat and drink my drink. I got my headphones on and started listening to Taylor. Been listening to the Fearless (Taylor’s version) all afternoon. I came home exhausted and thought about making a cup of coffee. I had a headache that continues to bother me. My pcp got back to me about them as I have been having them since last Friday. He said not to take Tylenol because it could be a rebound headache I am having. So my head hurts and I can’t take anything for it. Brilliant!

I continued to work on the Suicide Thoughts Workbook when I got comfy in my bed/office. The chapter I was on dealt with crisis planning. I hate crisis planning because I never have the same plan for the crisis I am experiencing. I generally have one but I have written it down so many times or read about so many different ones that I just use whatever whenever the need arises. I am up to chapter 5 in this workbook and it is so tough working through it. I am finding it helpful though. I will review it on several platforms when I am done, including my blog.

finally cooling off

Tue,22 Jun,2021, 18:44 by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Finally cooling off

T storms have finally arrived and it is much cooler than it has been the past few days. The humidity is down. I just shut my AC off after running it the past few days. I was sweating earlier so changed to a tank top. And cue my leg flaring up.my foot feels like electricity is running through it. It is so damn painful and is cold as ice.

I worked on the Suicidal Thoughts Workbook and it was hard. One of the exercises was writing about psychological pain or psychache as I call it. I never ran so fast away from a book before. I just didn’t know what to write so I just started writing in third person and got through it. Then it talked about hope and I got stuck. It was harder to write than about pain. I wrote it in my notebook so I don’t ruin the workbook. I then sent what I had written to my therapist. Told her this was hard.

I have been listening to Taylor all day. Folklore and evermore. Her music has been soothing to me today. I have been so sleepy and I don’t know why as I slept decently. I didn’t wake up in the middle of the night. I feel wicked depressed for some reason. I still can’t get out of my head what my mother said about having a hysterectomy. She thinks it is “foolish” and that I won’t get my menses anymore. That is the whole fucking point. I know she equates the organ with womanhood. Sorry but I am not a fucking woman. I am not her daughter. Makes me so mad and hurt at the same time.

My back has been hurting the past few hours. I don’t know what I did or didn’t do. My neck is bothering me too. I took some Tylenol because the headache I have had since Friday came back today. I think it is because of the weather. I just want to sleep but know that if I do, I will be up in the middle of the night again, worsening my sleep issues. I just wish I wasn’t tired all the time. I never have energy anymore. I push myself to do things to get things done. Tomorrow I am getting my haircut and I want to get some more Gatorade. I have been drinking a lot to stay hydrated in this heat.

I am glad the Sox are in St. Pete as it is still threatening to rain in Boston. The are in first place right now but the Rays are in second so we could flip flop if they win. Our pitching hasn’t been the best since they have enforced the no “sticky” rule. My favorite pitcher is pitching tonight. He hasn’t done too good his last few starts. He faces a tough team tonight. Hope they don’t rough him up too badly.

therapy was rough

Mon,21 Jun,2021, 20:28 by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Therapy was rough

I had therapy this morning. I was surprisingly awake. We talked a good deal about our alliance and why it was so tough to talk to her at times. At the end of this month it will be two years that we have been seeing each other and I still have a wall between us. The wall is mostly me and my insecurities about our relationship. She is frustrated with me. Can’t say I blame her. I am glad she was honest with me about it.

We talked about how I was frustrated that I only see her for 45 mins a week. I’ve never had a therapist with so little time before. She said that she shouldn’t be the sole support as it isn’t fair to either of us. I agreed but I have in the past solely depended on my treatment team to support me. I told her I was working on a CBT workbook for suicidal thoughts and she said that if I worked at least a half hour with it and sent her proof, she would give me a second session. I asked her why she was doing this and she said because I am trying.

I had two cups of coffee today and I still needed a nap. I had such a headache after therapy. I took some Tylenol. I’ve had this headache since Friday. It goes away with the Tylenol but comes back when it wears off. I messaged my pcp about it to see if anything can be done. I don’t know if it is because of stress or what that is the cause of the headache. I have a busy week with appointments. I see uro the end of the week to try and get a handle on the urethral pain. I have been cathing more and that seems to be helping with decreasing the pain. I might be straining myself while peeing and that is causing me pain. I had an accident this morning. I dreamt I was peeing and woke up to find myself wet. Luckily I didn’t wet the bed. I washed up afterwards but I still needed a shower. It took me a while to get back to sleep. I didn’t want to get up when my med alarm went off. But I had to get up because therapy was in two hours and I wanted at least one cup of coffee in me.

I took a shower after therapy. Then I made another cup of coffee and tried to write something for my book but couldn’t. I didn’t know what to write. I got hit with brain fog after I finished the coffee and it was so hard to think. I tried napping but I still haven’t slept and I just feel so drained.

I worked on a chapter in my workbook and sent it to my therapist when I was finished. The book brought up some tough feelings and memories. I wrote it in pencil so that it would be easier to erase if I made a mistake while writing. I’ve gotten in the habit of using a pencil while writing now. I don’t know why. I still use a pen when I feel like it. I started using the pencil while taking notes on the MLB book that I am reading. I still need to find a comp book to write the notes in. I meant to look today and forgot. I did find my checkbooks so I call it even.