Well, like very year, it is one extreme temperature or another. We had mild weather last week and today we are dipping close to freezing. Some places had snow or frost this morning! And it’s not even Halloween yet!
My mood has been bleak the past few days. Tuesday I had a rough night of pain so was popping pain pills until I got relief or passed out. Then I was hungover most of yesterday so was not able to blog at all. I was too foggy brained and slept most of the day.
I had therapy yesterday and my therapist asked how my suicidality was. Frankly, I don’t know anymore. I know I don’t want to live but yet I have no plans of making that happen. I stopped the scheming and planning a while ago. I haven’t really felt suicidal in any sense of the word for over two weeks now. I feel that if I talk about it, it might come back so when she asks me about it, I generally say no but she doesn’t believe me. Course I have been suicidal nearly every day for the past 9 years so how could she believe that my suicidality has suddenly cease to exist. I don’t know what brought over the change. Maybe because I am not psychotic anymore, the suicidal feelings went away with the increase in medication too. Not really likely, but it is possible. I don’t feel any different. I don’t feel horrendously depressed and I don’t feel happy. I just feel nothing. Just a blank slate. My mood is dependent on other things. My taste buds still have not been the same. Yesterday I was having Pad Thai and the voices were telling me that mice were in there. It was hard to eat but I knew it wasn’t true as if there were mice at the restaurant, it wouldn’t stay in business. I know that not all kitchens are perfectly clean but the food tasted the way it should, except for the chicken. I don’t know what my problem is with chicken lately. I either love or hate the smell or can’t stand the taste. Even if my mother makes chicken cutlets, sometimes I can’t stand to eat it. It just taste funny even if it is bought and made that day. So I just ate the Thai noodles. I really just like the noodles but I guess you need to have protein. Maybe next time I will get tofu and just take it out.
I am watching my niece this weekend and I am kind of scared. I never watched her for more than a few hours. My biggest fear is that she won’t listen to me or worse, be late for school because she won’t wake up and do what she is supposed to do. She has a routine that she has to do every day for school days. This is why I am not a parent. I can barely take care of myself, let alone a little one. I hope that it goes well and I am worrying for nothing.
I finally got Pearl Jam’s latest CD. I don’t know how I feel about it. There are only like three songs that I really like and the rest are just ok. I have been listening to Siren’s non stop since I came home.
The day after the school shootings in Nevada, there was another that was closer to where I live. A high school teacher was killed and a student is in custody. I don’t know the specifics of the shooting. I just know that it occurred in a town north of where I live. I feel more upset that this happened in conservative Massachusetts. The state gun laws have changed and yet this kid still managed to get one. Unbelievable. The high school was closed today for grieving. I suspect it is going to be a long year for these kids. When I was growing up, you had to watch out for other kids getting killed not teachers. Gangs were rampant and so were drugs. At least three of my former high school classmates are dead because of drug overdoses. Then there are the ones that are still fighting the addiction. Some of my classmates are doing well today. They have graduated from college to become nurses and businessmen or work in healthcare. Our twenty year reunion is coming up next year. I wonder who will be showing up.
midnightdemons7 