ramblings 6: ambivalence about suicide

Past few days I have been in my own world. I just have been obsessed with my blog. Been catching every spam message as they have been piling up and just been checking my stats, watching my readership go up with each passing day. Today I was blessed with six Google searches that found my blog.

Not only have I been on Facebook for the majority of my time and on my other profiles (I currently have four active profiles for my ONE game that I play, but that is my other obsession), I also have been on Pubmed doing a search for any research articles that have my real name attached to it. I found that I have another researcher with the same last name in Italy. He is probably a relative that I don’t know or maybe he is not related at all. I don’t know. I have tried to ask family members about him but no one knows this guy so I am guessing that he is not a relative, just like not all Smiths are related.

My mood has been bleak. Today is cold and rainy and I just do not feel like braving the weather to go to the post office to mail some things. I just do not have the energy today to get dressed. I also been itching to write something useful but the few things I have scratched on paper have not amounted to anything more than a thought. This morning I reviewed what I wrote and I could hardly remember the feeling that went with the thought much less than what I wanted to write about. I had heard last night on the radio two songs that mean a lot to me. The first was Martina McBride’s “How Far” and the second was Sugarland’s “stuck like glue”. Two songs that don’t really relate to anything much less each other but in my emotional state last night I felt that they were intertwined with some purpose and meaning. Today I am lost for what that meaning was. From what I am trying to recall, it had to do with the ambivalence of suicide, how far can you go to want to end your life and stuck like glue when you want to cling to life with all your might. The infamous, I want to die and live at the same time. It’s an epiphany that most people who think of suicide think about. They don’t want to live but they don’t want to die either. A chorus of Sugarland’s song:

There you go making my heart beat again,
Heart beat again,
Heart beat again
There you go making me feel like a kid
Won’t you do it and do it one time?
There you go pulling me right back in,
Right back in,
Right back in
And I know-oo I’m never letting this go-ooo

Chorus from Martina’s McBride’s song:

How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts but I just can’t
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So, I’m gonna walk away
And it’s up to you to say how far

With Suicidal thinking, the walls go up and you isolate. You don’t think about the outside world, just think about how much pain you are in and how much you want to end it. I have been thinking about this for a long time and I sometimes think that I will be better off but my nieces are a reminder that I can’t end my pain to start theirs. I am truly stuck like glue and it sometimes sucks really bad knowing I can’t end my life because someone else will suffer. I do not want someone to suffer because of me.