Month: April 2013

suspects and pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain

The manhunt for the bombers of the Boston Marathon is over. I should be sleeping but I can’t stay off my twitter feed for updates on the suspect’s condition. He has been bleeding since very early yesterday morning when his brother got killed in the first shootout with the police. I have never had this happen to my city. I am not sure if what I am feeling is normal or I am going crazy. I have been crying, angry, irritable, and at times just sad. Four people have lost their lives because of these assholes. 176 people were injured so severely they lost their legs. Some are still in the hospital in critical condition.

I am afraid to go to sleep. I am afraid I will have dreams about the bombing and what I saw today on the news. Hearing the gunshots in the second shoot out is still running through my head though I was not there. I just heard it on the news, over and over. It was “exclusive news coverage” because channel 7 had it and no other station did. I understand that 4,5,6,and 7 were covering the story from 22:30 last night until 21:30 tonight. They were really doing a good job of repeating themselves over and over because they had nothing new to report and they had to stay on top of the scene in case something did develop. I seen the mess they made on Cambridge street in Cambridge where the suspects lived and investigators found more bombs. I know I can rest easy because they are caught and I don’t have to worry about more bombs going off but I can’t seem to calm down enough to relax enough to sleep. I just am so hyped up. I am listening to my favorite country artist Mary Chapin Carpenter. She has such a soothing voice. But not even her voice tonight is helping me sleep.

I know the other reason I cannot sleep is because my left foot is acting up again. It is in the throws of a heated state. It feels like it is on fire and I can’t get it to calm down. I have tried everything I know and still it does not work. And it is wicked painful so I can’t stand on it.

It is hot in my room. 75 degrees. I have the ceiling fan going to cool down the room and see if that help my on fire foot. I hate it when my foot keeps me up. I start thinking of ending my life again. I figure why bother if every night I am going to be in pain. But the sad part is that my days are always better than my nights. During the day, I am hardly in any pain. Unless I stand too long or walk too much. Anything that will activate the tendonitis in my ankle will cause me pain. It sometimes can be the irritation caused by my sneakers. Pathetic I know.

How will I kill myself…many thoughts have run through my head about this. I sometimes think about it and then I am ok and won’t actually think to go through with it. The latest is throwing myself over my hall bannister with a rope around my neck but I am wicked afraid that the bannister won’t hold my weight and I will go crashing to the floor. That will not be good. The other idea I have to throw myself off the back of my porch but I am afraid that my nieces will find me and that is too scary for them. I have thought about pills but I would need a hotel room and I just can’t afford one right now.

scary day

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

I am in a state of shock. Two police officers were shot early this morning by the Marathon bombers. One of the suspects is dead and the other is on the loose. They were brothers. I can’t watch the news anymore because I am afraid something dreadful is going to happen. The apartment they have found explosives in their apartment. I just hope that it is not booby trapped of any kind. There was also a shoot out this morning and I am hoping suspect number 2 is hurt. They found a large blood stain on a house in one of the cities in lock down. But still this person is at large and I don’t know if the police really know where the suspect is hiding or where he is. News reporters are not saying that, just that police are blocking off the streets for public safety.

I am kind of scared that this is happening. One if the cities is the next town over from me. I know exactly where the street is they are talking about because I have been on the main street where it is off of many times. It is not far from Cambridge city Hospital. I don’t know if that hospital is on alert. It should be.

Because I don’t have a car, I am stuck in my house. Not that I would be going anywhere anyways. The cities are in lockdown almost. I am hoping the guy doesn’t come into my city. But it looks like he still is on the outskirts of town, possibly. No one knows for sure.

Then a guy down the street started up his motorcycle and I thought it was gunfire! I have been a wreck ever since. I am so scared of a bomb going off near me and hearing it would just kill me. I fear for those law enforcement officers who have come from neighboring towns and the state police and FBI agents that are going through every piece of evidence they are getting from the suspects house. I just hope that there are no booby traps and everyone comes out safely. There are already two officers hurt, one killed by the fuckers. Least one suspect is dead. No we just got to get the younger one.

melancholy

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide

Today I didn’t do too much but I did a lot. As I was walking home my ankle decided it had enough and I was limping on the way home. The last block and a half was really long!

I still am in a melancholy of spirits. I just can’t believe my city was under attack and then a Federal courthouse today had to be evacuated because of a bomb threat. And the President of the US is coming to tomorrow. I think that is a BIG mistake as we still have not capture the individual(s) responsible for the Marathon explosions. That is what they are calling it, explosions, not bombs. I guess explosions are less scary to think about but not really. It still is terrifying.

Ankle is still killing me and I am going to bed early, not going to watch the Sox game tonight. I don’t think it is on NESN anyways because the Bruins are playing. I don’t think I have NESN+. Shame too because last I heard, the Sox were winning 3-0. But then they don’t have a good match-up. The Indians stink. There were hardly any fans in the stadium last night. Pretty sad. I hope Fenway never gets that way.

I printed off my story that I am writing about my past suicide attempts and also my write up for my next blog post in the AAS. I am confident it will be a good paper. I just need to go over it somewhat to make sure I have the facts straight. It gives me something to do tomorrow that hopefully doesn’t have me going out. I am pretty tired today from my excursions yesterday and today. I only went out because my stupid printer wouldn’t recognize the color cartridge as being full. I have not used my printer for a couple of months now. Even though I just wanted to print black, it would not let me override the stupid color sensor thingy. I was so frustrated. I think paying for printing my stuff at UPS is cheaper than buying ink for this ridiculous printer that uses ink while not in use! Either that, or the ink got dried up because of the heat in the room. It is a small office I have and my mother keeps the door closed most of the time. I have to bring the printer to my room but I am too lazy. Maybe tomorrow I will do that, if my ankle isn’t hurting like it is now.

So I have printed off my writing to edit it. I have my red pen ready. But one thing I know while I edit my paper, I always want to add to it or take something away. I hate editing. I’m good with other people’s paper’s but not my own!

I woke up this morning and wondered what it would be like not to be anymore. I haven’t woken up like that in a long time. I guess the melancholy I am feeling is having suicidal effect on me, not to say that I wasn’t suicidal before. I just had a decrease in thoughts the past couple of weeks and thought I was getting better. Now I think I am heading back towards being a suicidal maniac who thinks of suicide all the time. I don’t know why I do other than I don’t want to feel pain, physical or mental anymore. I am tired of always being in a state of despair, of feeling nothing is going right for me. I just calculated my financial picture for the month and found that if I pay everything, I will have 7 dollars (USD) to my name to last me until my next check. I hate feeling like I am in destitution again. I really do. It’s like why bother getting paid when I don’t see my money. It just goes out the window to pay my bills and to help my mother keep up with the household bills, like gas and electricity, not to mention the mortgage. I just hate not being able to work. It is so frustrating. And yet, if I was working, I’d lose my LTD and have to work out something to pay back the $10K that I supposedly owe them. All these bills that I have make me want to kill myself. I can’t stand the thought of owing people money. I still owe like $5k to my therapist, who without her services I would definitely be dead by now. I seriously doubt that anyone can keep me alive that much longer. I just want to die. Why is that so hard to understand? I am a nobody. No one will miss me. They will just miss my money…

just feeling sad

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain

Been feeling a lot of emotions the past few days. I can’t help wondering if maybe some medication at this point will help as I am crying for the incoming support because I am happy and then cry when I hear about the poor mother whose daughter was misidentified and now has to mourn her daughter. I am crying for the eight year old who just wanted peace in the world and his mother and sister who are still critically injured. I am crying as I write this. I just can’t help it. Nothing like this has ever happened in my city before. I feel like it is 9-11 all over again. But the support from my Boys, The Boston Red Sox, has been tremendous. They will be going on the field tonight with black armbands. The Yankees, our hated rivals, will be holding a moment of silence and then playing our song Sweet Caroline in the middle of the 3rd tonight. I couldn’t believe they did that. But I guess in tragedy we all come together and it is such a powerful feeling.

Today I had to take the T, our public transportation system because I had a doctor’s appt. At every Boston T stop, there were National Guardsmen and T Police everywhere. It was good to have their presence there but I couldn’t help but feel a little freaked out when a State trooper and two police officers swept the trolley car I was on.

My appointment did and didn’t go so well. I wasn’t happy that after all the resting that I have been doing, I still have tendonitis in my ankle, probably nerve related. I also have Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, which basically means I am fucked. My doc gave me some options but I think I am going to stay the course with oral meds. I am considering a lidocaine infusion but I want to read up on them before going through with it. I need the hard facts before I can invest something like that. I don’t want the infusion to numb me out and then when it wears off cause me mega pain. I don’t know how my PCP is going to take this. There is nothing more they can do. I am at my wits end on how to handle this. My first thoughts were to kill myself. I truly think that is going to be an option if I don’t have any pain relief. I just can’t imagine going on and on like this. I can’t work. I can’t walk. WTF am I going to do?