Yesterday was a bad day for me. I slept most of the day because I didn’t sleep most of the night. Around five, after my mother ate her dinner, she had a hypoglycemic episode. I heard her yell something so came down the stairs. She was trying to get up off the couch but she couldn’t. I am glad because she could have fallen head first into the coffee table. I gave her some sugar water and when that didn’t work I gave her some OJ. Finally her sugar went up to normal and before bed she had something to eat as her sugar was “low” at 128. I don’t know why her sugars have been down but I think it is because she cleaned the bathroom and didn’t have any snacks in between.
This is the second time in two weeks she has had this episode. While this cause my adrenaline to get pumped up, afterwards I was wiped out. Even though I had slept most of the day, the up caused me to get down real quick. I had a bowl of cereal. I had talked to my therapist earlier that day but had no recollection of what we talked about. I know she is going to call my psychiatrist and tell her what is going on. I feel like I am being ratted out but she feels like my psychiatrist should know my plans.
A friend of mine sent me her book on penpals. I am to write a review after I read it. I am in the early chapters but am moving along. So far it is an OK book and I am hoping by the end of the main character’s trip, she meets up with her childhood Penpal.
I just had my morning coffee. No Isla Flores today as it is raining out and I just don’t feel like getting wet. I did take a shower today and brushed my teeth, something that I have not been doing in a few days. I know most people that read this will have no idea why I write about it. It is because with depression, those things are forgotten about. I know you might be thinking, big deal, but for those with depression, it is a big deal. It is all about self-care and those are the basics things that need to be done. You might not need to shower every day, but you do need to brush your teeth. I have been so bad I might do it 3-4 days of the week. Or just when I shower, which is usually every other day. It is hard to remember to brush because I have gotten so out of the habit. I can’t really brush in the morning because I have bad post nasal drip (PND) that gags me and if I try to brush, I will vomit. So I have to do it when I am not feeling so nauseated by the PND.
For two days this week, I was feeling really good, almost totally euphoric. But something happened on the middle of the second day and I have been feeling “normal” aka my baseline, since then. I am waiting for a crash to happen. I also have had no appetite during this period. My appetite came back today. I woke up feeling really hungry so made myself an egg with toast. I then needed to take a shower because the egg yolk spurted out onto my t-shirt. I hate when that happens.
My friend that sent me a book, sent me another book about dogs, also to review. I had a hard time choosing between which one to read first as I like dogs and her dogs are adorable. In the preview, it talked about how her husband got sick and they became interested in dogs as a sort of therapy while her husband was recovering. But I chose the Penpal book because I have a deadline with that. I have a month to write the review for it. The book is not long. Most of her books are not more than 120 pages. (Yes, in addition to her friend, I am also her fan, but don’t tell her that!)
I started the patch this week for menses. So far, I have been feeling no side effects and don’t even notice the patch. The temperature has dropped since the beginning of the week. We are now in the cool 50-60s. And as I said earlier, we have rain. I think it is going to rain all weekend, which might seriously affect my baseball game tonight. Heavy rain is predicted around game time. And like most of the games this season, the Angels are only coming to Fenway once so a make up game might be in the works for tomorrow. But I hate double headers. My team doesn’t do well. Last night they won in a walk-off homer by David Ortiz. I was in dreamland. Like I said before, I was not feeling good yesterday. I had woken up at 0230 in pain and didn’t go back to sleep until 0600. To say that I was pissed off at 0230 in the morning is an understatement. I was livid and that kind of kept me up more than anything. I finally got the pain under control but I still couldn’t go to sleep. Around 0530, I got hungry so had a bowl of cereal. I then fell asleep shortly after that. I hate it when I wake up in pain because you don’t know if you are going to stay up all night in pain or if taking something is going to put you back to sleep. But after I slept I was up every three hours which totally fucked up my day. I finally got some decent sleep after I talked with my therapist. I know she wanted to talk more about my date and stuff but I wasn’t going to talk about it. I just keep things to myself because I can. She doesn’t want me to kill myself. I get that but she also needs to understand that I might do it anyways. I keep thinking about how this might look from another person’s perspective and it isn’t good. I know my therapist is trying to get me to see that I am meant to live but I don’t want to live in pain anymore. Killing myself is the one thing that I have control over. The pain I don’t have control over. Even with meds, I still am in pain most of the time. I might not feel it all the time because I have gotten so used to it but it is there.
midnightdemons7 