suicidality

Slept most of the day as I was up a few times during the night, again because of throat pain. It is so unbearable. But luckily with pain medication, I seem to have it under control, unlike my ankle pain, which surprisingly has not acted up. Probably because I am not really doing anything. I am staying in my room because it is quiet and I need to rest.

I was hoping something profound would come to me today but nothing has. I keep wondering why there are no comments on my blog about my plans. I guess no one is really reading it or knows what to say. That is ok. I don’t know what to say if I was reading my blogs either.

I am open to my blog about ending my life. I am not that open to the people around me. I feel that if I were, I would be hospitalized or placed on suicide watch. I can’t stand to be on either. I can’t even tell my psychiatrist that I am going to kill myself because I am afraid of what she will do. I already see her once every two weeks. I don’t know if she would want to see me weekly after she finds out or what. I know I don’t need her help. I am not killing myself because she has failed me. She has tried to keep me alive all these years through being there for me. But I can’t help but think that the less she knows, the better.

I wish I could say the same for my goofy therapist but she wants to know the details of my demise. I don’t know why. She can’t stop me. No one can. I have to do this because I am tired of fighting the pain. I am tired of forcing breath into an empty soul. I am tired of a heart beating in a useless body. I feel dead inside so I feel I must die. It is the only option left to me. I have tried medications and they don’t work. I have tried therapy for the past twelve years and still I want to end my life. I have been under the care of a psychiatrist for twenty years and still I think of and plan my death. I have to see why I think these things. The voices say that I will have relief, that there is a better life waiting for me on the other side. I don’t know if I truly believe that. I think that once you are dead you are dead. No more. There is no heaven. There is no hell. There is just nothingness. And no hospital will stop me from achieving this goal that I have set for myself. I cannot be talked in to it. I might be involuntarily committed, again, but they cannot keep me forever.