feeling grief and depressed

In a depressed mood. I had therapy today and it just made me realized I am in a state of grief. Between the TG incident last night and me putting off my plan, I feel totally down. I thought about jumping in front of train today just to feel something. Well, maybe just getting close enough on the platform to think about jumping and feel the rush of air as it races past me. Course the conductor will most likely blow its horn and scare the shit out of me, forcing me back like it has before. But then I think of the people who will be caught in the delay as they try and get my body out to resume service. I will piss a lot of people off.

My therapist surprisingly didn’t go on her soapbox today like I thought she would. But it was tough talking to her. Half way through I asked if we were done. I just couldn’t bare talking with her anymore or anyone else. I just wanted to hunker down in my blankets and go back to sleep. I feel like I am in a deep hole and no one can get me out. And I am not so sure I want to get out this time. I know I eventually do. But it sucks while being here.

I showered and got dressed. Went to Starbucks to get my coffee. I had something different other than my Isla Flores. I got a Panama coffee and it was strong yet not strong to burn a hole in my stomach. I wrote in my journal about things that I was hoping to get to my blog but nothing sufficed. I truly didn’t know what I was going to write today. So this is really on the fly.

I’m back to wearing boxers. That should make me happy but it hasn’t helped my mood. I realized that during the first few weeks of the patch, I must have put the placebo patch on during one of the weeks. I didn’t know they had a placebo patch. Now I have to be careful. I might as well throw it out as not to let that happen again. I found this out when I went to open the next box of patches. These patches are supposed to help my menses be GONE. I don’t know why I feel so damn depressed. I just want to cry. I know that I am probably hormonal right now and I just hate it. I honestly feel that I am never going to be a man and that just drives my suicidal impulse through the roof. I can deal with boobs, I just can’t deal with my menstrual cycle. It’s the ultimate fuck you. I just checked to see if there was a placebo patch and there isn’t. Fuck. So I don’t know what the hell happened to cause a damn cycle to happen. I am so angry that I can cry.

I just put on a shuffle on my entire MP3 player on my phone. I got tired listening to the same music. I wanted to listen to some Garth Brooks and Reba, mixed in with some rock and alternative, well, what was alternative when I was younger. Alternative today is NOTHING like what I am used to listen to. I don’t even know if you can call it music.

I spoke with the editor of the AAS blog today about getting more founding contributors to write more. She got back to me but I think she is going to continue on her course of getting “outside” writers to write. SO if you have a suicide attempt story you want to write about, please contact me through the comments.

Until later…

any thoughts?

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