I feel wicked agitated and angry right now and I don’t know why. Nothing has specifically set me off other than the Sox losing but I don’t have control over that. I just want to start a fight with someone and I tried that with a friend and it didn’t work. She wanted to just hear my voice and I refused to call her or have her call me. I can’t stand it when she gets into one of those moods. Because whatever I say goes in one ear and out the other. I don’t get listened to.
I know I am partly enraged because I am in pain and I don’t have an outlet for it. Plus I still have my stupid fucking menses and the feminine product is irritating me. There is nothing I can do about that but I can’t not wear underwear while bleeding. My sheets will get messed up and so will possibly my mattress. UGH I am so aggravated!!! If I could cut I would. All I could do is just ride out the storm and this storm is big. I can’t even find the right music to calm me down so I am just listening to my mix of country tracks. I finally got Brantley Gilber’s More than miles song. I have been playing it non stop on Youtube the past few days. I love this song. Right now Luke Bryan is playing. I love him too. Not in any way of a sexual sense just voice wise.
I also feel frustrated because no one got back to me on my papers that I sent out today. I know that I shouldn’t expect a quick response for a three page paper but an acknowledgement would have been nice. I sometimes think I send out emails and it just lands in cyber no where land when I don’t get a response. I should probably take an Ativan to calm the hell down but that is going to do nothing for my pain. Pain has moved up to my leg because like a fucking dummy I had to stand on my leg while my foot was asleep. My peroneous tendon didn’t like that one but so the WHOLE fucking tendon is inflamed. I guess I won’t be getting my hair cut tomorrow like I wanted to. I know I won’t be able to walk the distance. Not after a painful night like tonight. I am so fucking angry. Angry that I can’t do anything about my pain, Angry that I can’t stand for more than a few minutes at a time. That I just can’t do what I used to do. And the surprising thing is that I am fucking hungry but I know I can’t make it down the stairs to get something to eat. All I had to eat today was a coffee and a cold cut sandwich. NOTHING else. I just wasn’t hungry today. But now I am and there isn’t anything I can do about it. I have to sleep with one ear open tonight because my mother had a hypoglycemic episode and she tried to keep it from me. I could tell because she was slurring her speech as she was telling me why she was eating cereal. WTF. I hope I don’t have to call an ambulance. I really don’t need to be going up and down the damn stairs to let emergency personnel into my house. But if I have to, I have to. I should go check on her but my leg is still tender. So much for the fucking pain meds working tonight. I should take two and see if that helps. I just been taking one hoping that would be enough. WRONG.
I know my friend is going to ask me about why I was in a nasty mood tonight and why she didn’t call me like she wanted to. I fucking hate when people don’t get that I just don’t want to talk. I gave her a choice. Either don’t call or just text me. That was the only way I was communicating. Take it or leave it so she left it, and I hope she leaves it at that.
I just checked on my mother and she is sprawled out on her bed. Doesn’t appear to be in distress so maybe I can sleep tonight. But I doubt it because I just acted up my leg again. God forbid I should walk. All because of a stupid disc material. I know it is because I have scar tissue on my nerve root. That is the fun part of having Cauda Equina Syndrome, the emergency ends but the pain doesn’t. You still have to live with the repercussions of the after effects of surgery. So frustrating to live like this.