Today was not a good day. I woke up in the middle of the night and kept on having weird dreams. Then when I got up to have some breakfast my ankle decided it wanted none of it. So I took a pain pill and went back to sleep. My mother made some chicken lemon dish that was ok and I just got enough of the cobwebs out of my brain to type this.
I am feeling kind of nervous. I just got an order to appear in court for a bill I have not paid because I have no money. I am going to try and call them on Monday and tell them I am disabled and don’t have any money to give them. I know this might not work but if I can pay them at least ten to twenty dollars a month, maybe I can avoid going to court. I hate going to court, not like anyone does like it, except if you are a lawyer or a judge. All of this just after a hospitalization has my mind going in the gutter. As I was walking to Walgreens, I was praying someone would come up behind me and slice my throat. I really would rather be dead than to deal with this.
The Sox are on tonight. I think I will be watching it, even though Lester is pitching and I can’t stand to watch him pitch. I hope we get to the other pitcher but he is tough. It’s going to be a pitcher’s duel that is for sure.
The weird thing, or the more concerning thing, is that I am not really interested in watching the game. I am just so depressed I would rather just eat Chex Mix and call it a night. I am just so tired. I am also mad at myself for not doing anything today. I didn’t work on my manuscript today like I was going to do. I really hate myself for this. I knew I shouldn’t have gone back to bed after I had breakfast but I was just in so much pain. I am not in pain now. But I don’t think I can work on my manuscript while I am in this level of depression and suicidality. Plus the urges to cut are really rampant. And I just realized that I can’t see my therapist on Tuesday because I have to see my PCP. That really throws a wrench in my works.
I am just frustrated and upset with this letter. I wish I never got it.
midnightdemons7 