moments 2

Moments

There have been many moments where I find myself thinking about suicide and moments where I wanted to act upon them very badly. Right now is one of those moments. I am suffering under a heavy coat of depression caused by physical pain and now mental pain because my body has gone back into female mode and I have my menses again. I wish I could say that I like it but I don’t. It kills me when I get it. I just feel so empty and despairing and there is no one I can talk to about it. I know I should seriously just end my life and leave people wondering why because that will be easier than trying to tell them I killed myself because I am in the wrong body. Even though I have tried to explain myself to a couple of people I still get called the “proper” pronoun and gender pronoun given this biological body. I must be crazy thinking that I am a male. And it hurts. I am hurting because I cannot get away from my menses. They can put a man on the moon yet they cannot stop this hurt. WTF. I was hoping it was just spotting but the true colors came out as I went to the bathroom just a few minutes ago. Just lovely. Here I am trying to finish my book and now I got to deal with this? I really just want to die. It’s bad enough that I have pain, physical pain that is so putting me over the top. But no one believes me when I tell them I want to be a male. My psychiatrist that I have known forever still calls me a “her”. I don’t tell her it bothers me because I am afraid that I will break down. I have never stood up for myself. Even when my father called me “his daughter”, I wanted to scream at him that I was really his son. I took a lot of meds tonight to deal with my pain, this was before my little trip to the bathroom. I am starting to feel the effects of the pain meds and muscle relaxers. Moments like these I wish I took too much. But I can’t risk having my mother or sister find my body in that state. It would devastate them to no end. Not like my death won’t do that to them anyways, but it’s better to remember me some other way. I am a transgender and that is why I want to die. I don’t think anyone can help me with this. I am too far gone. I am too far developed. But if only my menses could be stopped permanently would I not think about suicide all the time. Meds are kicking in really fast so I will end here. And unfortunately, I know that I will wake up tomorrow. That is truly a pity. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow or any other day. My life revolves around stuff that I don’t want it to be. Now I have to keep track of the bleeding and when it started and I just don’t want to. I just want to die. I just don’t want to exist anymore. Why is that so hard for anyone to understand that I would be better off dead. My psychiatrist would want me to call her right now but it’s 1 o’clock in the morning and I don’t want to bother her with my mundane argument. We have had these go rounds before and they usually, almost always, result in me going to the hospital for more mundane treatment. Moments like this, I wish there was a switch that could just end my life. And poof I will be gone…