I finally got out of the house today. I haven’t showered yet because I wasn’t sure what kind of day it was going to be bowel wise. I would hate to shower and then my bowels decide it was going to let loose on me, forcing me again to shower. So far, it doesn’t look like it is one of those types of days. This is what I have to live with every day. All due to nerve damage. All because a disc was ruptured and entered my cauda equina nerves.
As I was walking home, the Story of Us came on my mp3 player. It is a song by Taylor Swift and I think I am going to write out the lyrics and send them out to my therapist. We are again at an impasse. She still needs valium for her to calm herself when I start talking about suicide so I haven’t been talking about it the past few weeks. I have closed myself off from feeling it. I know that I shouldn’t but if I can’t talk about it without her going wonky, where does that leave me? Alone with my thoughts. Alone with harmful thoughts. And what is ok, is that I am ok with this. I have been alone with these thoughts before. It’s nothing new to me. People can’t deal with it and I am ok with it. The alternative is involuntary hospitalization and that will just cause more agony.
Part of the lyrics is “Now I’m standing alone in a crowded room and we’re not speaking,
And I’m dying to know is it killing you like it’s killing me, yeah?
I don’t know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now”.
And “This is looking like a contest,
Of who can act like they care less,
But I liked it better when you were on my side. The battle’s in your hands now,
But I would lay my armor down
If you said you’d rather love than fight.
So many things that you wished I knew,
But the story of us might be ending soon.
I wish she would lay her armor down and we could talk things out. We have tried to work on this impasse but I think what she is asking me for (my promise that I won’t kill myself) is just too much for me to bare right not. I can’t promise something I know I can’t keep. I know the likelihood of me actually going through one of my hare brained plans is slim to none but she doesn’t know that. She should by now. She knows I am a planner and a date picker. But that is all that I am. I am tired of being those things but I don’t think I have the lethality in me to really act on my plans. But I know that if I don’t try, just one time, I will feel bad. I don’t want to see 2014. I don’t want to live to see another birthday. And it hurts because I know sadly that I will live to see both because I am a coward.
Today I asked for the 17th off for personal reasons and when she asked what those were, I said I couldn’t tell her. HAHA I couldn’t tell my therapist, who deals with personal stuff, what my personal reasons were for having the 17th off.
midnightdemons7 
Judy, I wish I had the answers. but you just keep going. I know it’s hard and but you have purpose in your life with your kids and grandkids. I know sometimes you may think you will be better off without you but they won’t. Like you said they will be in pain when you are gone and they will be left with the what ifs. I guess that is why I haven’t done it. But you are not a coward. anyone that can stand up to CES is a courageous person. We deal with stuff that no one else deals with. I am always here if you want to talk. Just email me. Mike
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Mike, I have been. Plagued many times especially in recent times with plans for my death and could not go thru with it for many reasons butI have to admit that the biggest one is fear— sooo,I have done nothing yet. And will likely not. It would just affect too many people in my life who either way will see. Me as a coward–do it or not , I see myself as a coward if I do kill myself., becauseI see it as avoiding living my life with this damnable caude equina. I think others would see it the
same way,especially my family—husband, 3 daughters and later my grands when they came to under stand it. At first they would feel the loss, the grief , the pain of losing me because they know me as the fun Grandma who loves being with them and that it biggest fear is the loss of time with them. So what can I do ??!!?!
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