Year end Blog

Year end blog

I thought and thought about what I would write today. I guess I should say that I am still here, alive. I can’t say that I am well because I am in pain at the moment. Damn ankle didn’t like me going out today.

I had a good year overall. I got my book done. An email from my idol saying he wishes my book is successful. I turned a corner in my psychache. I no longer feel it as much anymore. Though I still think about killing myself, the thoughts are less. I might have had a rough beginning to 2013 but I made it through even though there were times my life was tested. I don’t know what changed. I really think that my friend in Chicago really snapped me out of the funk that I was in. He is the reason why I am still here. He has a way about him that just makes me see things differently.

I got a ring on my finger that I got the beginning of the year. It was my reward for writing in December of 2012. I am not getting myself anything as expensive this year, not unless you count my editor, LOL. I hope that she does what I am expecting to and my money is well spent.

I don’t have any goals for the New Year. I can’t commit myself to anything because I never think that far ahead. I know there are going to be some changes in the New Year in regards to my insurance and possibly my student loans. I hope that my book is successful and I am able to pay the loans off and start going back to college to earn my degree.

I don’t have plans for the night. My sister is throwing her annual party. I bought some beer to have. I don’t know why I bought a six-pack. I probably will only have one beer and that will be it. I am not a beer drinker, in fact have only had two beers in my life time. But this year, I started wanting one for some strange reason. I find that one is all I need. I bought Sam Adams Winter Lager. I never had a lager before so I am hoping it is good.

I still can’t believe that I am not going bonkers about Konrad Michel writing back to me. Or that my consultant wishes me well with success for my book. I still feel blah and I don’t think that is ever going to change. Sure I might not be suicidal anymore but feeling nothing, no joy or pleasure sucks. Even my annoying game hasn’t been fun anymore. I just keep playing out of habit and the fact that I will get far behind if I don’t keep up with it. I even bought horseshoes and that didn’t get me far, nor did it make me happy. I chocked it up as an entertainment expense but it really is not entertaining me anymore. I hate to think what would happen if I was working. I would get so behind it would be impossible to get caught up. I still have three active pages of missions to do. I don’t know why I am talking about my game. Unless you play it, you have no idea what I am talking about, LOL.

Bottom line is that I am still feeling low. I am forcing myself to go out of the house even though the coffee that I have been drinking doesn’t have the same appeal it once did. I ended up throwing away most of it. I just couldn’t drink it. I miss my Isla Flores and Blue Java. Now they have a Mexican coffee but I have been too afraid of getting it for fear of liking it. They don’t even have my Hawaiian coffee anymore. I should have bought it when I had the chance. So I am just left with getting lattes and mochas. I really want a good cup of hot chocolate but keep forgetting to order it. It sucks that my one joy has now become mute to me. I just go to Starbucks out of habit more than a need to get a cup of Joe. It just breaks up the monotony. I hope that this mood that I am in changes. I really don’t like it.